I am slowly drowning in my own sorrow.
There is really nothing wrong in experiencing failure once or twice. But lingering too long in the lack of success is intoxicating, it is taxing and it is much more disappointing.
I don’t understand what is happening with me, I used to be awesome. Yes, I think highly of myself because I was. Not so long ago everything was easy for me, numbers, language, sciences- they were nothing but a piece of cake, even life. I used to live not a double life but many lives. I was a happy daughter, an inspiring sister, a loquacious friend, an affectionate cousin, an amicable classmate, an honor student, a student-leader, and a campus paper writer. I juggle all of it since the age of seven until the end of high school and I was able to live a perfectly normal life- without a fuss.
I was always successful in my endeavors, FAILURE was not in my vocabulary, because I believe that in every game one will play s/he must guarantee winning or else better not play at all.
However when I stepped in a totally different world of college, everything slowly fell apart. I lost the enthusiasm, I lost the genius, I lost the game player, I lost the leader, I lost
the most of me.
I started to learn how to cover things up with fake smiles and fake laughs [I have mastered hiding what I truly feel]. When one wears makeup it’s easy to conceal the ugly, the dark and the unwanted yet it doesn’t completely take away what is not good. It only masks the unattractive and deceives those who look at it.
I was terrified the moment I realized that worry hasn’t left me since the day it visited me. It has remained with me for the longest time and I am getting tired as it stays in me longer. I have forgotten about how real smile and real laugh felt for the apprehensions has already numbed me.
I don’t know where my inner Einstein has gone, I thought he just went on a vacation but it seems like he ran away from me. Each passing day I am waiting for him at my doorstep and he never comes. I don’t know where I can find him or if he has plans on returning back to me. Everyday I feel dumb and everyday it is pointed out to me during economics and finance classes.
I realized I already become a loser. In my fights I had lost three times more than my wins. I didn’t know that losing feels like being smashed by pounding rocks [it is more painful than I imagined it to be]. I am afraid that I won’t be able to rise after so many falls, that my bones had been damaged badly and that it might be impossible to walk straight again.
My charisma seemed to have worn off as well. Most of the time I experience trouble establishing my authority and most of the time I doubt my capabilities due to all of those not-so-good-things happening to me.
How am I going to trust myself again when I am not the same person I used to be?
If you happen to meet the old Max please notify me and please tell her to go home. I miss her so much.