Self Damnation

Depression is easily cured by music. My fact. This is my truth and it doesn’t have to be yours too. [#U2 now playing]

Whenever I feel bad, whenever I feel disappointed or whenever I feel tired I always turn to music, reading, chocolates, Coca-Cola, ice cream and writing. They don’t really resolve the problem but somehow they ease the distress I am going through.

Tonight, as the bell rang at 9PM signaling the end of finance exam I didn’t exactly know how to react (it was a three hours exam!). A hundred other faces slowly approached Aldo (the one who proctored in our room and also my Finance professor) tightly holding on to their papers. The other students like me gave the exam questionnaire and the answer sheet one last look before handing it to Aldo who was busy arranging the papers.

There’s a part of me that wanted to jump and say “Hallelujah!”, the other part however was lost in oblivion, maybe breaking out or something. I am not sure what the other part of me was doing that time, all I know was that I couldn’t believe it’s over and I was wishing that it’s really over.

I hope it is over. I am not certain whether or not it’s really over because you see… I have to get a really good grade in this exam for me to pass! This is the first time that I am having such trouble in my entire life– experiencing doubt about passing a subject. Gawd.

I really couldn’t describe the feeling BUT it is not a good feeling. Lately, I found myself in such a state that I couldn’t even explain properly. I might be in a state of depression, oh I don’t know. I don’t have the appetite that I used to, I couldn’t sleep properly, I always feel sad and lacking, my sleeping pattern’s totally disturbed (I am wide awake at night and I sleep at around 3AM and yet I am still wide awake in the morning), I feel like I don’t need sleep and I have to tell my mind to go to bed… I smile and laugh when a situation requires it or when I think it is expected for me to do so, because it is an automatic response, but there’s no feeling of joy!

Tonight all I know is I have music with me plus this blog, my journal/diary, junk foods and myself to share the misery I am in. I can’t fully show or tell what the person in me is going through but somehow I guess I was able to give you a good picture and an idea of how rough it is.

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