Journal Entry

I realized that I haven’t been writing on my journal (the pen and paper journal which is not in a cloud) for quite some time now. I am honestly somewhat a little panic-ky for some reason. A diary has been a part of me ever since, it is a form of meditation and self reflection for me. But now, I notice that I haven’t written that much in ink and paper form.

Let me use this space for today’s “self awareness” post.

I haven’t connected with my emotions for long, I almost forgot conscious checking. Good thing I attended the senior’s talk late this afternoon which reminded me to reflect and be attuned with my feelings.

So here it goes.

I feel quite happy the whole day. The talk really made my day. Laugh trip. It was inspiring but at the same time entertaining.

Surprisingly I have a lot of un-utilized energy contained in my body because at 10:14 in the evening I just want to go running around. [Of course I won’t because I just don’t want to sweat at the moment.] But yeah, there’s just too much energy within me right now.

Sigh.

I am happy but that doesn’t mean that there’s nothing bothering me at present.

Well. There IS.

I like this guy named Paul. Around 11 PM of June 21 I received a message from him teasing me. That was the night I changed my display picture in Facebook with that fierce photo of mine for org recruitment. (I posed the way I did because we were required to have a fierce photo. It was hard for me because I am not a natural when it comes to poses and stuff like that. I am very used to smile and click. That’s it. For the call of org life I did that. Hence, the photo.)

In his text message he said, “Did you model? Hahaha.” [I don’t know if he was being sarcastic or if the laugh is a sincere one with a secret “nice one” behind it.]

Twenty minutes after I replied [yes, I counted the minutes so as not to look like I was very eager to reply to his messages], “I felt like a model, yes. Everybody has a fierce picture. We’re required for the org.”

After that I got no response. Nothing. [I was so frustrated. I hated him for that.]

A day passed. Two days. Three. A week. I let it pass. I never texted. I tried to forget.

Two weeks after.

On Friday (July 5) my phone which was in pocket vibrated in the middle of my history class. I did not check it until the lecture was over.

I was surprised to see Paul’s name on the message. I opened it thinking it is something important, something about business.

It wasn’t.

Another random text message saying, “I remember I wasn’t able to reply to last time. You should model for [insert the name of the company where I interned in here]. Hahaha.”

I don’t get it! Who suddenly remembers that s/he wasn’t able to reply to someone after two weeks had passed? Was it even a valid excuse?

I don’t know if he did not text back on purpose or if he really forgot it. Anyhow, I never heard of anyone replying to a text message two weeks late and suddenly remembering that s/he did not respond the last time you talked.

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