For four consecutive nights I haven’t had a real good sleep. I had been rolling and tossing on my bed, I tried everything but I can’t seem to find the perfect spot lately. My eyes would close for some time and I would feel the sleep slowly creeping in me, but then at some point some unseen energy will nudge me. My body lay still while my mind is busy with a lot of things– my body rests while my brain is wide awake.
I was trying to figure out the cause and I couldn’t seem to find any reason why this is happening. Well, maybe subconsciously I am heavily burdened with my feelings for Paul.
I just have to write it down so as to relieve myself of him– even just a little.
When I was doing my internship I have this crush for a guy I named Christian Grey. He is a wonderful and handsome guy and we get to flirt somehow. Yes, he is flirtatious and he admits it to everyone. I on the other end of the line would respond whenever he coquettes, I am indeed cooperative.
As days progressed I grew closer to the two gentlemen in our team, Grey and Paul. When I like someone it’s a little hard for me to be comfortable. Yes, I tend to get awkward [totally awkward] with someone I like. But that summer I told myself to go and grab, meaning I did try to go with the flow and tried to be less awkward than what I usually am. Besides, I set it to my mind that whatever happened during the summer will remain buried in the sand. It won’t bite to try after all or so I thought.
Two weeks before May ended Paul filed a study leave for he had to take the CFA level three examinations. Because he was one bored little punk, he kept on bugging me while he was away from the office. He kept on messaging me in Facebook asking what was happening around and a whole lot nonsensical stuff which were not related to work. He did not visit the office for that whole duration of time and slowly I felt that I was missing him. I just felt that the office wasn’t complete and my day was lacking without him. I brushed off the idea that I liked him although my bestfriend Kristin was already telling me that I had already fallen.
I saw Paul again on the farewell lunch for Lica and I because he already returned from his leave. There was nothing, no spark at all. Days passed and I never heard from anyone of my former co-workers except for Paul.
Two days after our send off lunch Paul messaged me through FB asking when I will visit the office. I jokingly replied if he missed me already because he was asking that early when I hadn’t been around for only two days.
We communicated through FB for quite some time until the day before he came to my school for his talk addressing the freshmen of my major. He came from the same university I am currently attending and believe it or not we are coursemates. I was a freshie back then when he was a senior in college but we never get to know each other because I happened to be a not so active member of my home organization where he was the assistant vice president.
The day before his ‘talk’ he texted whether I’ll be in school because he planned on giving me my check. Although I had no classes because that Friday was faculty day for us, the day when faculty members convene, I said I will be at the campus to get my readings.
That’s how the exchange of text messages began.
That night we’ve been texting about… well nothing. We just came up with a conversation, I being the one teasing him. Then came Friday, he gave his talk as I sat behind the crowd of fresh souls. When his speech ended he move towards my direction, although I am pretty sure he couldn’t see me until I approached him. I held my right hand in front of him and in a chaffing manner I spoke, “Sir! Congrats for the nice talk!” He took my hand and like little kids who did not see each other for a very long time we laughed and smiled like jesters in the middle of amused bodies. [The expression on his face is still clear in my head]
I have to be honest, that day was the defining moment of my feelings for him. If he didn’t hug me while we were walking on the brick road on the way to get my readings, if he didn’t do it twice and if he wasn’t a little physical that day I doubt that I’ll figure out how I truly feel for him.
I like him.
The exchange of messages and razzings continued almost every night. He happened to send messages at night. I would reply giddily on his messages. It brings a smile to my heart whenever he remembers me. But what makes me truly happy are the messages that were sent to tease me yet has that little care hidden secretly behind the words.
That’s why when he texted me two weeks back (June 21) at around 11 in the evening just to jeer on my display picture in FB I got so annoyed. It wasn’t because he was teasing me again, what irritated me was the fact that he texted late that night and then when I responded he did not bother to reply. He never replied. There was nothing at all.
I waited the following day. Nothing. I waited for two days. Nothing. I waited for three days. Nothing. I waited for a week. Nothing. I decided to try to forget about it. Maybe he doesn’t care anymore or maybe it’s to be ended.
Then on Friday (July 5), when I least expect it I received a message from him saying, “I wasn’t able to reply last time…” I smiled to myself as the voice in my head spoke, “WHAT THE HELL!” [Who remembers that s/he forgot to reply on someone two weeks after their last conversation?] I did not reply although I wanted to.
Of course I felt really happy when he texted. A little hope sprung within me. However everything that has a beginning has to have an ending. I want to continue the friendship but not the flirt-ship. He has a girlfriend, Mikah, and the girl is really great. I don’t want to ignite a flame that might cause a fire, who wants to be the other woman anyway?
Paul might not be aware that I am slowly getting entwined on him. I am afraid that I might do something crazy– that might ruin a relationship. I have to try to fight this feeling because it is not worth it. I am into the wrong guy.
We grew really close yet I have to start to distance myself from him and constantly remind myself that he already has Mikah. Hence, I try to suppress what I truly feel. But the more I smother the feelings I have for him, the stronger it gets.
I do hope that I can easily delete what I feel for him from my system. It is not right.
I like him when I should not.