I can’t believe that today is only Monday and I am already as pissed as hell. Worse is I am turning to the very person I always try to avoid– a misanthropic. Hate is not a beautiful adjective to start my week but it just came around the corner this morning. (Why oh why?)
I arrived in Theology class, my first ever class for the day, happy as a child. As I took my empty seat in front I turned on my left and asked Hans who’s a seat away from me if he was able to make the letter we needed. My voice was really at its lowest, it was almost a whisper because there’s this group presenting in front about their immersion experience.
Then my dearly-beloved-good-for-nothing-groupmate Sam who’s directly on my left (I dislike her even more now) hushed me with her wrinkled face. I looked at her and said in the most annoyed tone, “What?”
I turned away from her and rolled my eyes. I was trying to hold my temper because I didn’t want to cause a scene although I knew Micco Sol (I have to use his last name and shorten it because there are so many Mico in school) who was presenting in front saw and heard what happened. He gave out a shrewd smile in my direction; however, his good looking face wasn’t enough to make up for my already ruined mood.
I opened my bag to get the printout of the files that Hans needed for our paper. When I passed it to him it slipped on his hands and fell. As expected, it got Sam distressed. She shook her head and sighed heavily. Hans shot me a look and a faint smile while I turned away from Sam before I could say anything.
While I was silently listening to the group presentation Sam poked my side. I’m very sensitive in that area so it made me jump a little which agitated me even more. I was nearly on the limit of my patience so I faced her asking, “Now what?” in the rudest way a person could talk to another complete with the facial expression and everything. She showed me a paper with scribbles that I didn’t pay attention to. The second thing I knew was I was rolling my eyes on her and moving my seat closer to Roanne’s.
[I know… I shouldn’t have acted that way. BUT. But, it’s too much to start my day.]
When we got dismissed I started venting out everything to Hans, Roanne, Kevin E. and Emman. I just had to voice out how I felt and how pissed I was before I lose my sanity. The whole group is irritated with her and so it became a ranting galore with her out of the picture. To multiply the hate, Hans expressed his diatribe against Sam and John (a classmate who’s his groupmate in two other classes).
Now it really upsets me that I have this animosity in my system. I try to be diplomatic most of the time but sooner or later I might just snap, I can’t contain the anger for long. I don’t want this feeling to linger on because it is starting to tear the goodness in my heart. Oh please tell me this is not HATE, rather just a disequilibrium of my emotional capacity to understand a person.
[I don’t want to live on hate. This too shall pass. *fingers crossed*]
Mumford and Son’s can be my only cure for tonight. “Sigh No More” is a reminder that I should love and continue loving NOT hating.