Tears and Fears

When I wrote the entry preceding this one it was not yet clear why I got too emotional that day of my last final examination as a college student. It was supposedly a day of celebration— of gladness that I had successfully finished the last leg of my university race. But it was the opposite for me for it became a day of weeping and tears.

People would surely laugh at my too dramatic display of uncontrolled agitation. I might have sounded like a little child who was having a crying fit over a lollipop. Shallow as it may seem, I just came to the realization as to why I was truly crying that night.

The tears that went running down my cheeks were not actually tears of joy. It was tears of pain— of sorrow and of fear. It is true that I was being sentimental that moment. Nostalgia was bringing in images of the past four years— of those good and not so good times. Every moment of yesterday became something of importance even though some were just merely fragments of wasteful non-sense.

Surely the memory is more perfect than the real [I forgot who spoke this line].

I am the type of person who always have a hard time when it comes to letting go. I cling on the past for too long, sometimes at an unhealthy length. It is not easy for me to just leave the professors, the friends, the campus, and the bullshit behind. Believe it or not it took me two years after high school before I fully opened up to university life. [Imagine, I was already a sophomore when I embraced the fact that I was off for a different path than my peers from high school.]

More than the wistful desire to turn back the hands of the clock at a particular juncture, it was actually anxiety of the future creeping out of the shadows that brought me to tears. It was actually the fear of the unknown which caused all the emotional commotion.

I am afraid of the world outside the campus.

This confession truly shows my weakness, nonetheless, I am making this public admission because it is the truth. I also think accepting that I am scared will help me move forward— will prevent me from getting petrified in one place.

Outside the gates of the school is an unfamiliar ground. I see it as a dark tunnel where I have to go in with no map or flash light. For a control freak like me it is scary because it means I have no power over the course of things in the bigger world. Without command I am like nothing, hence, the mystery out there is freaking me out.

Moreover, I am terror-stricken by the fact that the universe out of my own is a terribly harsh world. All these years I lived a sheltered life. I have gotten used to a reality that is safe, that is caring and that is true. Graduation for me simply means exposing myself to what the adults call the “real world”— the world that is full of lies, of corruption, and of dishonesty. [Why do they call it the real world when it is evidently not genuinely good?]

I am indeed frightened that the misguided and spurious system will eat me. Who am I anyway but a little girl who has a lot of ideals in her head and in her heart that is soon to become a tragicomedy? I am not prepared to bid college good bye. I am not yet ready to go out but I am choosing to move forward because that is the only way. It is my time to go out of my secured corner and take risks.

Time to be brave. Man up little girl. Good luck!

*

IMG_161112_mah

“Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.” – A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

Yes I am scared. I am definitely frightened of the darkness yet the only option I have is to go with courage. In the world full of pretensions, bravery is my shield and my sword. I surely have trepidations but the call to do the most loving thing to do is loud and clear— I am responding. It is now time to go down the hill, to be Magis.

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