Into the Wilderness


Twenties is the time when we start figuring out our lives. It is the stage when our kind tries to search the proper career, find the right place, explore new horizons, discover more of life, and tumble into a special someone. I never anticipated though that I will feel this lost in this particular phase.

My university never failed to prepare me for the outside world. It equipped me with the necessary skills and knowledge in order to survive out of the campus gates. Despite being all geared up for the battlefield, I never expected that the adult reality is this complex and this harsh. I never foresaw that it will be as hazy as a foggy day and will be as blurred as the cloudy skies.

I do not know where to go or where the tide will lead me. I feel like a disoriented sailor not knowing where to land her ship or where to bring it. The current is so strong, the rain so hard, and the wind so devastating— my insides cannot help but churn while my body uncontrollably shivers.

They say it is the time when one makes a lot of mistakes, but does the wrong turns constitute this much distress in ones inside?

In the class of 2014’s send off, my favorite Jesuit, Fr. J addressed the graduating class. He said, “Even if you choose wrongly, you’re never lost. We’ll make do with your broken decisions; you too will never be broken with whatever decision you make… Be open to that mystery that is bigger than your life.”

How could he let these words come out of him? How could he assert my classmates and I that we will be fine and remain whole after all the unsound choices we will make?

I am terribly confuse and scared that I really do not know what to do with my life. I agree that life does not have a hard and fast rule; it does not come with a manual. One simply needs to live it. But right now, if someone would throw me a map, a compass, or a navigator I would gladly take it even if you would consider it cheating to continue afloat in this vast ocean.

I hope and pray, that the little spark of light which I still have at the moment burn longer. I might not be seeing where I am headed at the moment or if I am actually traversing the correct route. All I know is I am sailing aimlessly with no direction, only words I hold on to as well as a promise that I will remain intact no matter what.

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