I am not really sure how I would describe the year that just flew. There had been so much hurt—immense pain— that is contained in the previous year. But there is no denying that accompanied by all the sorrow were pieces of wisdom which helped me come out tougher and wiser.
The year that has gone opened me to romantic love, the kind I never expected I would welcome. It was an unconventional-unlabeled-one which lasted for only a short three months. Was I serious about it? Heck I was. Was he? Maybe, I have no idea. We are two young souls carried away by the current so strong we mistook it for something special. We were attracted to each other (or maybe it was just I who had real feelings for him). However, no matter how much we liked each other we lack one of the essential things that will sustain whatever it was we had— presence.
I have no regrets on letting Ale in my life; in fact I am thankful for him because he let me (for the first time) embrace something I fear— that is, being romantically involved with someone. He made me see that I am worth a man who will see past my flesh; that I need someone who can keep up with my spontaneity, mood swings, and drama. My experience with Ale cracked me open, it had shown me that I deserve someone who will not wound me using sharp words and make me feel less than who I truly am. Because of him I now understand that I am for a man who will embrace every hollow part of my being and not just some boy who only settles for the sweet toppings.
I am aware that I was not the only one who has gone through an ailing spirit. I did inflict pain on others without the knowledge of its severity. Failed romance did not end with Ale; there was Anton who embodies the real definition of a man—dignified, intelligent, humble, well-spoken, driven, kind, and passionate. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not return the minutest of attention and feelings he had for me. I did not ran away, I gave it a shot even if I knew I wouldn’t be able to give more than a friend’s love for another. It ended just like any real life story— painful and sad.
2015 was also a 360-degree turn-around for my career. Scared and uncertain where I was headed, I left my previous job. I was mocked and laughed at for such drastic decision.
I was shallow for leaving behind a good future they said. I am out of my mind for letting go of my job which pays well they said. I am wasting my life believing that I will land a profession where I can find meaning and purpose they said. The external voices were way stronger than my own during that time that it almost irreparably damaged me. It got to the point wherein sunrise became a dreadful reminder that I am still alive and that I had to face the day as well as the people while wearing a mask. The nights veiled me while I silently cry in the darkness with the stars as my audience in such an emotional display.
Looking back, I am grateful I took the courage to take the hazy road toward damnation. If I had not done so, I wouldn’t have learned the value of ‘walking away’ for the right reasons and pursuing what truly matters. The experience led me to see that I am indeed a moron. If I was not stupid enough I wouldn’t have been bold enough to leave behind certainty for something hazy. And if I had chosen to remain in the safety of the field I was in before, I wouldn’t have been able to land on the place where I am right now.
Now I am putting a lid on the year 2015. There had been some darkness and grey areas, but the sparks were far greater than the shadows and the colors were more vibrant than the muted hues.
Cheers to 2016 and to better version of the self.