Category Archives: Diary Post

Mum

There are so many things I want to write about. So many emotions I want to put into words. So many experiences I want to share. So many thoughts I want to convey. Yet here I am finding it difficult to express any of them.

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You Go Through Pain Alone

Why is it so difficult to share the pain when it’s far too easy to spread the feeling of genuine happiness? Isn’t it funny how impossible it is to let someone lift a piece of your burden even if s/he offered his/her hands for you because you know for a fact that you alone are the one who can feel its weight? And that no matter how much you try to find the right words that will perfectly describe how you are aching, you still fail to capture the essence of your misery? Such is the exclusivity of hurt and agony no matter how many of your friends comfort you. They know nothing anyway.

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I Didn’t Mean to Break You

Dear Q,

I will never send this letter to you nor would you have any chance of finding out the existence of such pouring of words and feelings. Like all the other letters I had written in this little secret place, this one will also be thrown to the void.

I never meant to break your heart and I am sorry for doing so.

I don’t know when it happened or how it happened. I was a new hire in this division packed with pretty young people from my university. You were not present on my first week because you were with Mau and the rest of the DRM boys who were sent to the southern part of the country to assist in the financial forum.

It was the following week when we were introduced to each other. I vividly remember your reaction when I walked past you and went to the desk behind you. I didn’t say ‘hi’ nor did I blurt a word when I saw you. What I did was take a mental note of you in my head, “So he is the Q they were talking about. Pretty cute though”, was what I told myself.

You seemed to notice that I was occupying the once empty seat behind you which made you get up of your chair and walk towards Karen to whisper the question (which funnily was quite audible in my area), “Who is she?” I couldn’t help but smile and laugh in secret when I heard that. We were formally acquainted after and I couldn’t help but paste a huge grin on my silly face.

We instantly clicked– there was no doubt about it. We had so many things to talk about ranging from our lives in the academe (you were just two classes ahead of me and we had the same professors in some subjects) to random stuff about Star Wars. Officemates were surprised at how you seem to be more sociable and more human than before as we engage in more conversation day by day.

I thought maybe the rumors weren’t that true. Maybe they misjudged you– that given a chance to get to know you really well, you aren’t actually the callous-antisocial-math-geek that they deemed you to be. You easily warmed up with me and you were proving all of them wrong.

I saw a different persona in you, a very intelligent and patient guy who is willing to share what he knows of. You would teach me things I do not know and explain to me other matters relating to work which seemed complicated on my part. You were the one trying to put in layman’s terms Paul’s profound mathematical discussion. You were the one who tried comforting me when I had a meltdown in front of Ed because Ampee didn’t follow my orders to move the hundreds of billions from the account of our client (which almost screwed me up). You would usually leave silly notes and competitive challenges on my desk every morning before I get to work.

You emerged from your shell and started hanging out with us. You would join us in our beach trips and late night shenanigans. You became ‘normal’ in most people’s standard. You started to loosen up and started cracking up on our silly jokes.

I would admit that the incomprehensible character of yours and your perks initially attracted me. I had this little crush on you at the beginning. It faded as the two of us got closer and as I get to know the intimate side of you.

I never gave color to your actions; for me you were simply doing big brother duties. You were being a silly and overprotective big brother to me by lighting up a stressful week through your geeky punch lines, reprimanding me when I am consuming my alcohol too fast, watching over me when I was alone surfing at the beach, and whatnot. Everyone was teasing us but I wasn’t affected because I saw nothing strange in a bond between a guy and a girl.

I grew up surrounded mostly by guy friends with only the three of us females in the circle. Thus, I saw nothing wrong or weird about us being friends. I thought maybe they just failed to press the right button two years ago and that I did found the correct one.

Seven months after we first met, we sat under the moon surrounded by anonymous bodies and tall buildings. The air was mildly cold and filled with music that summer night. I was a little bit jumpy and uncomfortable as you talked to me. I wasn’t paying attention to what you were saying because I knew where the conversation was headed.

Days before that, I learned from the guys how you truly felt about me. How you are attracted to me and how you think that I am actually worth the shot. I felt otherwise and the thought of how I would break it to you was keeping me occupied the entire evening we were together.

I didn’t intend to hurt you or to wound you. I tried to soften the blow by trying to phrase everything subtly because I know that there is a possibility for you to emotionally explode– like what you usually do when you get angry.

That April night ended better than I expected. You tried to persuade me to give it a shot. But I am glad you concluded by respecting my decision not to take it to the next level for I couldn’t return the feelings you had for me.

I know my excuse was bullshit but I had no other justification as to why I didn’t want to atleast give it a try. I had to sugarcoat it in some ways for you are more fragile than most people I know of.

That same night you promised we will remain friends and nothing will change. However, promises get broken time and time again and people do change.

We stopped talking two weeks since that incident. I am never the kind of person who would push herself to someone who doesn’t like her or doesn’t like her anymore. I am letting you drift away because I can clearly see from your actions that you no longer want my friendship.

I am not the one who has foregone everything but I am not also the one who would chase someone and drag him home. I don’t let people go that easily however if it’s them who wanted to ran away from me I let them be.

I apologize and I do feel terrible about what happened to us. We cannot repair damaged goods but I do hope we find a way to prevent it from getting completely stale.

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Capping 2015: The Year of Hit and Miss

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I am not really sure how I would describe the year that just flew. There had been so much hurt—immense pain— that is contained in the previous year. But there is no denying that accompanied by all the sorrow were pieces of wisdom which helped me come out tougher and wiser.

The year that has gone opened me to romantic love, the kind I never expected I would welcome. It was an unconventional-unlabeled-one which lasted for only a short three months. Was I serious about it? Heck I was. Was he? Maybe, I have no idea. We are two young souls carried away by the current so strong we mistook it for something special. We were attracted to each other (or maybe it was just I who had real feelings for him). However, no matter how much we liked each other we lack one of the essential things that will sustain whatever it was we had— presence.

I have no regrets on letting Ale in my life; in fact I am thankful for him because he let me (for the first time) embrace something I fear— that is, being romantically involved with someone. He made me see that I am worth a man who will see past my flesh; that I need someone who can keep up with my spontaneity, mood swings, and drama. My experience with Ale cracked me open, it had shown me that I deserve someone who will not wound me using sharp words and make me feel less than who I truly am. Because of him I now understand that I am for a man who will embrace every hollow part of my being and not just some boy who only settles for the sweet toppings.

I am aware that I was not the only one who has gone through an ailing spirit. I did inflict pain on others without the knowledge of its severity. Failed romance did not end with Ale; there was Anton who embodies the real definition of a man—dignified, intelligent, humble, well-spoken, driven, kind, and passionate. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not return the minutest of attention and feelings he had for me. I did not ran away, I gave it a shot even if I knew I wouldn’t be able to give more than a friend’s love for another. It ended just like any real life story— painful and sad.

2015 was also a 360-degree turn-around for my career. Scared and uncertain where I was headed, I left my previous job. I was mocked and laughed at for such drastic decision.

I was shallow for leaving behind a good future they said. I am out of my mind for letting go of my job which pays well they said. I am wasting my life believing that I will land a profession where I can find meaning and purpose they said. The external voices were way stronger than my own during that time that it almost irreparably damaged me.  It got to the point wherein sunrise became a dreadful reminder that I am still alive and that I had to face the day as well as the people while wearing a mask. The nights veiled me while I silently cry in the darkness with the stars as my audience in such an emotional display.

Looking back, I am grateful I took the courage to take the hazy road toward damnation. If I had not done so, I wouldn’t have learned the value of ‘walking away’ for the right reasons and pursuing what truly matters. The experience led me to see that I am indeed a moron. If I was not stupid enough I wouldn’t have been bold enough to leave behind certainty for something hazy. And if I had chosen to remain in the safety of the field I was in before, I wouldn’t have been able to land on the place where I am right now.

Now I am putting a lid on the year 2015. There had been some darkness and grey areas, but the sparks were far greater than the shadows and the colors were more vibrant than the muted hues.

Cheers to 2016 and to better version of the self.

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Outside of “Inside Out”

Out of selfish interest, I dragged two of my friends to watch the new Disney Pixar’s movie “Inside Out” on Sunday. We were supposed to watch it with my bestfriend Kristin, who unfortunately got ill the day before. We pursued with the plan without her because I badly needed to divert my attention from all the negative things floating within me.

“Inside Out” was being talked about by so many people in my Facebook newsfeed since its release date. I wanted to see for myself what the fuss was about. Finally I was able to catch it with Lor and Kevin.

Being a satisfied viewer, I could not resist the urge to write my personal take on the movie based on what I experienced inthe theater as well as the impact it left on me as a spectator. Hence, here I am putting everything I could into words.

Similar with many Pixar films, “Inside Out” is a motion picture packaged in an entertainment that kids and mature viewers alike would appreciate. It is in the form of animation which the grown-ups usually consider as something for the children. If one would scrutinize however, it was presented in a classic Pixar style which is in a medium “child-like” yet targets the adult audience.

Noticeably there were so many Psychological concepts and terms encapsulated in the film which kids are not usually familiar with. Long term memory, core memories, personality islands, the dump, sub-conscious, dream production, REM, and whatnot are the ideas which one gets acquainted with and expounded on in Psychology101 classes. These are not things which children would usually encounter nor are these concepts one throws at children during play time.

What Pixar did though was it laid down something seemingly-exclusively-mature in a manner that could be digested and could be easily comprehended by the young viewers. More importantly it provided a good introduction of Freudian and Jungian Psychology to consumers which made the film not only interesting but informative as well.

Five personified emotions namely Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust which every human person without alexithymia would easily identify with were the central characters in the movie. They were the key feelings inside the head of the 11 year old girl Riley Andersen who was originally from Minnesota and moved with her family to San Francisco. These five characters controlled Riley’s insides as well as her reactions in the day to day events of her life.

When Riley was still younger, Joy was the dominating emotion. Most of the memories stored in her memory bank as well as the ones that made-up her core memories were happy ones. Such thoughts were the ones responsible in the development of her bubbly personality. Same is true with a sunny girl like me who used to dwell on the happy side of things until a certain point in time when reality hit me with several unfamiliar circumstances.

As the story developed, Riley began to get into more complicated situations just like a phase in normal pre-pubescent years which stirred her emotions. The once prevalent feeling— Joy, started to be overpowered by Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust. The memory balls stored in her long term memory which were once mostly yellow turned into a mix of blue, red, lavender, and green.

The anxiety brought about by the move to a new city triggered Riley’s complex reaction on things. Joy and Sadness were also sucked away from the headquarters causing her to lose two important emotions for a certain period. This particular point in the movie reminds me of the numbness that I am presently feeling—an apathetic and indifferent attitude towards life.

Losing some of Riley’s happy memories which got deposited in the dump—a natural process of burying memories in a deeper level of cognition— caused things to be out of hand.  She experienced more mood swings and emotional fluctuations as she tried to deal with her current life. This resulted in the core memories crumbling down and thus shattering the personality islands one by one.

As the story progressed, the old islands were replaced by new personality traits founded on new experiences. This shows how dynamic a person can be and reflects how personality traits are ever evolving. Therefore, it is impossible to peg a person or to box an individual in one single definition.

Moreover, human memories are associated with emotions. There are those memories which were once happy but by shifting ones perspective (which happens as one matures) could become gloomy. Aside from this, the movie was able to emphasize that it is possible that there is no one ruling emotion— that it is natural to conceive mixed feelings.

The most striking part in the film for me was Joy’s effort to resurface despite the ongoing clamor inside Riley. It puts emphasis on the human’s desire for happiness even if sadness casts a huge shadow within— no one wants to be in a miserable position. Such portrays how we try to cover up the melancholy inside us by putting on a mask of pretentious laughter or smile.

What was more salient about the movie was how it was able to show the audience that Joy and Sadness are actually not opposites. Pixar was able to break the common notion that one contradicts the other. “Inside Out” was able to acknowledge that Joy and Sadness are coexisting and that the two are part of the same coin.

Additionally, the movie was able to express the importance of an emotion we usually deem negatively—sadness. We dismiss such emotion so often and fears the tears that accompany it; but in reality it is healthy to pause for a while and cry.

In films we watch or novels we read, we are so concern about looking for the moral of the story.  “Inside Out” like the other Pixar films is not similar to an elementary book reading report that tells one ‘not to judge the book by its cover’. It is a movie that presents and tackles the natural human condition. It implicitly aims to guide viewers in understanding the ‘individual’ as well as the self. I believe we need more movies like “Inside Out”, a film that does not simply dwell on the ‘what’ but more importantly on the ‘how’ and the ‘why’.

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