Category Archives: Random Musing

Mum

There are so many things I want to write about. So many emotions I want to put into words. So many experiences I want to share. So many thoughts I want to convey. Yet here I am finding it difficult to express any of them.

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To Love and To Stab

Is there anything worse than to love and be betrayed?

Betrayed not by the beloved, but by a friend.

It is treachery at its finest and nothing

But treason at its best.

And there goes loving and stabbing,

For what is friendship

Compared to the warmth of Adonis’ kisses?

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B, it’s a shame that you made a promise and broke it several days later. When I thought I’ve lost two amazing people in my life, the world made me realize I only lost a friend. I still have my dignity, I retained it while you lost yours. I pity you.

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You Go Through Pain Alone

Why is it so difficult to share the pain when it’s far too easy to spread the feeling of genuine happiness? Isn’t it funny how impossible it is to let someone lift a piece of your burden even if s/he offered his/her hands for you because you know for a fact that you alone are the one who can feel its weight? And that no matter how much you try to find the right words that will perfectly describe how you are aching, you still fail to capture the essence of your misery? Such is the exclusivity of hurt and agony no matter how many of your friends comfort you. They know nothing anyway.

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I Didn’t Mean to Break You

Dear Q,

I will never send this letter to you nor would you have any chance of finding out the existence of such pouring of words and feelings. Like all the other letters I had written in this little secret place, this one will also be thrown to the void.

I never meant to break your heart and I am sorry for doing so.

I don’t know when it happened or how it happened. I was a new hire in this division packed with pretty young people from my university. You were not present on my first week because you were with Mau and the rest of the DRM boys who were sent to the southern part of the country to assist in the financial forum.

It was the following week when we were introduced to each other. I vividly remember your reaction when I walked past you and went to the desk behind you. I didn’t say ‘hi’ nor did I blurt a word when I saw you. What I did was take a mental note of you in my head, “So he is the Q they were talking about. Pretty cute though”, was what I told myself.

You seemed to notice that I was occupying the once empty seat behind you which made you get up of your chair and walk towards Karen to whisper the question (which funnily was quite audible in my area), “Who is she?” I couldn’t help but smile and laugh in secret when I heard that. We were formally acquainted after and I couldn’t help but paste a huge grin on my silly face.

We instantly clicked– there was no doubt about it. We had so many things to talk about ranging from our lives in the academe (you were just two classes ahead of me and we had the same professors in some subjects) to random stuff about Star Wars. Officemates were surprised at how you seem to be more sociable and more human than before as we engage in more conversation day by day.

I thought maybe the rumors weren’t that true. Maybe they misjudged you– that given a chance to get to know you really well, you aren’t actually the callous-antisocial-math-geek that they deemed you to be. You easily warmed up with me and you were proving all of them wrong.

I saw a different persona in you, a very intelligent and patient guy who is willing to share what he knows of. You would teach me things I do not know and explain to me other matters relating to work which seemed complicated on my part. You were the one trying to put in layman’s terms Paul’s profound mathematical discussion. You were the one who tried comforting me when I had a meltdown in front of Ed because Ampee didn’t follow my orders to move the hundreds of billions from the account of our client (which almost screwed me up). You would usually leave silly notes and competitive challenges on my desk every morning before I get to work.

You emerged from your shell and started hanging out with us. You would join us in our beach trips and late night shenanigans. You became ‘normal’ in most people’s standard. You started to loosen up and started cracking up on our silly jokes.

I would admit that the incomprehensible character of yours and your perks initially attracted me. I had this little crush on you at the beginning. It faded as the two of us got closer and as I get to know the intimate side of you.

I never gave color to your actions; for me you were simply doing big brother duties. You were being a silly and overprotective big brother to me by lighting up a stressful week through your geeky punch lines, reprimanding me when I am consuming my alcohol too fast, watching over me when I was alone surfing at the beach, and whatnot. Everyone was teasing us but I wasn’t affected because I saw nothing strange in a bond between a guy and a girl.

I grew up surrounded mostly by guy friends with only the three of us females in the circle. Thus, I saw nothing wrong or weird about us being friends. I thought maybe they just failed to press the right button two years ago and that I did found the correct one.

Seven months after we first met, we sat under the moon surrounded by anonymous bodies and tall buildings. The air was mildly cold and filled with music that summer night. I was a little bit jumpy and uncomfortable as you talked to me. I wasn’t paying attention to what you were saying because I knew where the conversation was headed.

Days before that, I learned from the guys how you truly felt about me. How you are attracted to me and how you think that I am actually worth the shot. I felt otherwise and the thought of how I would break it to you was keeping me occupied the entire evening we were together.

I didn’t intend to hurt you or to wound you. I tried to soften the blow by trying to phrase everything subtly because I know that there is a possibility for you to emotionally explode– like what you usually do when you get angry.

That April night ended better than I expected. You tried to persuade me to give it a shot. But I am glad you concluded by respecting my decision not to take it to the next level for I couldn’t return the feelings you had for me.

I know my excuse was bullshit but I had no other justification as to why I didn’t want to atleast give it a try. I had to sugarcoat it in some ways for you are more fragile than most people I know of.

That same night you promised we will remain friends and nothing will change. However, promises get broken time and time again and people do change.

We stopped talking two weeks since that incident. I am never the kind of person who would push herself to someone who doesn’t like her or doesn’t like her anymore. I am letting you drift away because I can clearly see from your actions that you no longer want my friendship.

I am not the one who has foregone everything but I am not also the one who would chase someone and drag him home. I don’t let people go that easily however if it’s them who wanted to ran away from me I let them be.

I apologize and I do feel terrible about what happened to us. We cannot repair damaged goods but I do hope we find a way to prevent it from getting completely stale.

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Capping 2015: The Year of Hit and Miss

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I am not really sure how I would describe the year that just flew. There had been so much hurt—immense pain— that is contained in the previous year. But there is no denying that accompanied by all the sorrow were pieces of wisdom which helped me come out tougher and wiser.

The year that has gone opened me to romantic love, the kind I never expected I would welcome. It was an unconventional-unlabeled-one which lasted for only a short three months. Was I serious about it? Heck I was. Was he? Maybe, I have no idea. We are two young souls carried away by the current so strong we mistook it for something special. We were attracted to each other (or maybe it was just I who had real feelings for him). However, no matter how much we liked each other we lack one of the essential things that will sustain whatever it was we had— presence.

I have no regrets on letting Ale in my life; in fact I am thankful for him because he let me (for the first time) embrace something I fear— that is, being romantically involved with someone. He made me see that I am worth a man who will see past my flesh; that I need someone who can keep up with my spontaneity, mood swings, and drama. My experience with Ale cracked me open, it had shown me that I deserve someone who will not wound me using sharp words and make me feel less than who I truly am. Because of him I now understand that I am for a man who will embrace every hollow part of my being and not just some boy who only settles for the sweet toppings.

I am aware that I was not the only one who has gone through an ailing spirit. I did inflict pain on others without the knowledge of its severity. Failed romance did not end with Ale; there was Anton who embodies the real definition of a man—dignified, intelligent, humble, well-spoken, driven, kind, and passionate. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not return the minutest of attention and feelings he had for me. I did not ran away, I gave it a shot even if I knew I wouldn’t be able to give more than a friend’s love for another. It ended just like any real life story— painful and sad.

2015 was also a 360-degree turn-around for my career. Scared and uncertain where I was headed, I left my previous job. I was mocked and laughed at for such drastic decision.

I was shallow for leaving behind a good future they said. I am out of my mind for letting go of my job which pays well they said. I am wasting my life believing that I will land a profession where I can find meaning and purpose they said. The external voices were way stronger than my own during that time that it almost irreparably damaged me.  It got to the point wherein sunrise became a dreadful reminder that I am still alive and that I had to face the day as well as the people while wearing a mask. The nights veiled me while I silently cry in the darkness with the stars as my audience in such an emotional display.

Looking back, I am grateful I took the courage to take the hazy road toward damnation. If I had not done so, I wouldn’t have learned the value of ‘walking away’ for the right reasons and pursuing what truly matters. The experience led me to see that I am indeed a moron. If I was not stupid enough I wouldn’t have been bold enough to leave behind certainty for something hazy. And if I had chosen to remain in the safety of the field I was in before, I wouldn’t have been able to land on the place where I am right now.

Now I am putting a lid on the year 2015. There had been some darkness and grey areas, but the sparks were far greater than the shadows and the colors were more vibrant than the muted hues.

Cheers to 2016 and to better version of the self.

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