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(c) Max Hidalgo

They said I was mad for not taking your hand when you held it out. They said you were love.

If you were indeed love—

–you should have been the fire that warmed me,

Not the fire that burnt my skin.

–you should have been the fire that provided light

Not the fire that blinded me.

I am not sorry for atleast a bit.

 

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Courtship: The Rise of The Strong Woman and The Sensitive Man

Thought Catalog

AnchiyAnchiy

Ok, ladies and gentleman, listen up. It’s time to give a name to a cultural trend that has been on the rise for quite some time now. I call it The Rise Of The Strong Woman And The Sensitive Man. We’ve all seen it and it tends to go something like this:

Boy meets Girl. Or (for our purposes) maybe Girl meets Boy. Boy and Girl like each other. They talk and flirt and maybe even hang out once or twice. The girl plays it cool because she has many social commitments and career prospects and, while she likes the boy, needs more time to discern whether he will be the one to make her commit. The boy is confused that the girl isn’t swooning over him and assumes she isn’t interested. He pulls away. His communication becomes short and infrequent. The girl wonders what happened and is sad…

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The Heart Beats for AN-other

Sorry, I cannot return the feelings.

You came during the time when I was pretty sure I had something for this guy, even if I knew that the situation would not permit us to be together. I got myself involved with him, aware of the delusion of two worlds colliding.

You were there, but so what?

That night when everybody was drunk and you were the only one sober to drive me home, I thought maybe I could give you a chance. Trust me, I tried. The thing was, I was absorbed in a relationship without any label and which I am not sure even existed.

I was trying to cut myself loose from him as it was unhealthy. I was mindful that the situation between me and him was unrealistic enough. I was conscious that it was actually blurry with him so I decided to distract myself with you for a week to brush off my feelings for him. However, no matter how hard I tried it was not that easy to avoid him in my daily routine and in my mind. He kept on running in my head and in my thoughts day in and day out.

I swear, I made an effort to allot some space for you but he was already occupying most of them. It was really a bad timing since you could not keep up with your play as law school needed most of your time. Funny how I have easily forgotten you, while he got stuck and I could not rub him off.

Suddenly, in the most unexpected of nights you popped up in my inbox– two months since that drive home. Funny how we exchanged messages again like old pals even if we are not. I was quite taken aback when you excitedly told me that you wanted to share your internship experiences with me personally instead of mediating it through the black and white type face of a machine.

I have to tell you something, he is no longer in the picture and yet the doors are still shut like two months back. I want us to be friends the way your bestfriend and I are friends. So, sad to say dinner is just dinner for me– it is not a dinner.

I sincerely apologize.

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End of an Affair

I said good bye not because I wanted to, I had to.

Several times I tried to mean the words of my parting messages but it was so difficult. All of those goodbyes came out of hate, of the yearning to just end a fight.

Those were empty goodbyes. Today, I really have to do it— to genuinely bid farewell to you and all that there was and there is between us. [I don’t even know if there is actually something between us but that was what I felt.]

It all started with “fun” in my head. I never took into consideration that I would form a real connection with someone like you. It was all for the sake of flirting. But as we share more of who we are day in and day out, I slowly became fond of you.

Fondness grew to attraction and attraction shifted into liking. I was a little bit surprised that despite being cautious I was stepping out of the barricades I built. I was getting closer and closer to you while getting farther and farther away from my great wall. [I panicked that I was starting to grow feelings for you, but emotions cannot be controlled hence my worry took over.]

I like you and sure I miss you. I will miss you even more as the days turn to weeks and weeks into months. I don’t really know how to make good byes “good”, maybe that’s the reason why I chose to attach a sunset photo in one of those last messages I sent you. The beauty of the sunset somehow compensates the loneliness attributed to it.

You see, this good bye is just like that sunset photograph I took. It marks an end for the both of us and a beginning of tomorrow.  Maybe if our situation was different I wouldn’t have to leave and cut you out of my life.

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