Tag Archives: Blog

Mum

There are so many things I want to write about. So many emotions I want to put into words. So many experiences I want to share. So many thoughts I want to convey. Yet here I am finding it difficult to express any of them.

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I Didn’t Mean to Break You

Dear Q,

I will never send this letter to you nor would you have any chance of finding out the existence of such pouring of words and feelings. Like all the other letters I had written in this little secret place, this one will also be thrown to the void.

I never meant to break your heart and I am sorry for doing so.

I don’t know when it happened or how it happened. I was a new hire in this division packed with pretty young people from my university. You were not present on my first week because you were with Mau and the rest of the DRM boys who were sent to the southern part of the country to assist in the financial forum.

It was the following week when we were introduced to each other. I vividly remember your reaction when I walked past you and went to the desk behind you. I didn’t say ‘hi’ nor did I blurt a word when I saw you. What I did was take a mental note of you in my head, “So he is the Q they were talking about. Pretty cute though”, was what I told myself.

You seemed to notice that I was occupying the once empty seat behind you which made you get up of your chair and walk towards Karen to whisper the question (which funnily was quite audible in my area), “Who is she?” I couldn’t help but smile and laugh in secret when I heard that. We were formally acquainted after and I couldn’t help but paste a huge grin on my silly face.

We instantly clicked– there was no doubt about it. We had so many things to talk about ranging from our lives in the academe (you were just two classes ahead of me and we had the same professors in some subjects) to random stuff about Star Wars. Officemates were surprised at how you seem to be more sociable and more human than before as we engage in more conversation day by day.

I thought maybe the rumors weren’t that true. Maybe they misjudged you– that given a chance to get to know you really well, you aren’t actually the callous-antisocial-math-geek that they deemed you to be. You easily warmed up with me and you were proving all of them wrong.

I saw a different persona in you, a very intelligent and patient guy who is willing to share what he knows of. You would teach me things I do not know and explain to me other matters relating to work which seemed complicated on my part. You were the one trying to put in layman’s terms Paul’s profound mathematical discussion. You were the one who tried comforting me when I had a meltdown in front of Ed because Ampee didn’t follow my orders to move the hundreds of billions from the account of our client (which almost screwed me up). You would usually leave silly notes and competitive challenges on my desk every morning before I get to work.

You emerged from your shell and started hanging out with us. You would join us in our beach trips and late night shenanigans. You became ‘normal’ in most people’s standard. You started to loosen up and started cracking up on our silly jokes.

I would admit that the incomprehensible character of yours and your perks initially attracted me. I had this little crush on you at the beginning. It faded as the two of us got closer and as I get to know the intimate side of you.

I never gave color to your actions; for me you were simply doing big brother duties. You were being a silly and overprotective big brother to me by lighting up a stressful week through your geeky punch lines, reprimanding me when I am consuming my alcohol too fast, watching over me when I was alone surfing at the beach, and whatnot. Everyone was teasing us but I wasn’t affected because I saw nothing strange in a bond between a guy and a girl.

I grew up surrounded mostly by guy friends with only the three of us females in the circle. Thus, I saw nothing wrong or weird about us being friends. I thought maybe they just failed to press the right button two years ago and that I did found the correct one.

Seven months after we first met, we sat under the moon surrounded by anonymous bodies and tall buildings. The air was mildly cold and filled with music that summer night. I was a little bit jumpy and uncomfortable as you talked to me. I wasn’t paying attention to what you were saying because I knew where the conversation was headed.

Days before that, I learned from the guys how you truly felt about me. How you are attracted to me and how you think that I am actually worth the shot. I felt otherwise and the thought of how I would break it to you was keeping me occupied the entire evening we were together.

I didn’t intend to hurt you or to wound you. I tried to soften the blow by trying to phrase everything subtly because I know that there is a possibility for you to emotionally explode– like what you usually do when you get angry.

That April night ended better than I expected. You tried to persuade me to give it a shot. But I am glad you concluded by respecting my decision not to take it to the next level for I couldn’t return the feelings you had for me.

I know my excuse was bullshit but I had no other justification as to why I didn’t want to atleast give it a try. I had to sugarcoat it in some ways for you are more fragile than most people I know of.

That same night you promised we will remain friends and nothing will change. However, promises get broken time and time again and people do change.

We stopped talking two weeks since that incident. I am never the kind of person who would push herself to someone who doesn’t like her or doesn’t like her anymore. I am letting you drift away because I can clearly see from your actions that you no longer want my friendship.

I am not the one who has foregone everything but I am not also the one who would chase someone and drag him home. I don’t let people go that easily however if it’s them who wanted to ran away from me I let them be.

I apologize and I do feel terrible about what happened to us. We cannot repair damaged goods but I do hope we find a way to prevent it from getting completely stale.

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Untitled

 

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(c) Max Hidalgo

They said I was mad for not taking your hand when you held it out. They said you were love.

If you were indeed love—

–you should have been the fire that warmed me,

Not the fire that burnt my skin.

–you should have been the fire that provided light

Not the fire that blinded me.

I am not sorry for atleast a bit.

 

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Capping 2015: The Year of Hit and Miss

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I am not really sure how I would describe the year that just flew. There had been so much hurt—immense pain— that is contained in the previous year. But there is no denying that accompanied by all the sorrow were pieces of wisdom which helped me come out tougher and wiser.

The year that has gone opened me to romantic love, the kind I never expected I would welcome. It was an unconventional-unlabeled-one which lasted for only a short three months. Was I serious about it? Heck I was. Was he? Maybe, I have no idea. We are two young souls carried away by the current so strong we mistook it for something special. We were attracted to each other (or maybe it was just I who had real feelings for him). However, no matter how much we liked each other we lack one of the essential things that will sustain whatever it was we had— presence.

I have no regrets on letting Ale in my life; in fact I am thankful for him because he let me (for the first time) embrace something I fear— that is, being romantically involved with someone. He made me see that I am worth a man who will see past my flesh; that I need someone who can keep up with my spontaneity, mood swings, and drama. My experience with Ale cracked me open, it had shown me that I deserve someone who will not wound me using sharp words and make me feel less than who I truly am. Because of him I now understand that I am for a man who will embrace every hollow part of my being and not just some boy who only settles for the sweet toppings.

I am aware that I was not the only one who has gone through an ailing spirit. I did inflict pain on others without the knowledge of its severity. Failed romance did not end with Ale; there was Anton who embodies the real definition of a man—dignified, intelligent, humble, well-spoken, driven, kind, and passionate. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not return the minutest of attention and feelings he had for me. I did not ran away, I gave it a shot even if I knew I wouldn’t be able to give more than a friend’s love for another. It ended just like any real life story— painful and sad.

2015 was also a 360-degree turn-around for my career. Scared and uncertain where I was headed, I left my previous job. I was mocked and laughed at for such drastic decision.

I was shallow for leaving behind a good future they said. I am out of my mind for letting go of my job which pays well they said. I am wasting my life believing that I will land a profession where I can find meaning and purpose they said. The external voices were way stronger than my own during that time that it almost irreparably damaged me.  It got to the point wherein sunrise became a dreadful reminder that I am still alive and that I had to face the day as well as the people while wearing a mask. The nights veiled me while I silently cry in the darkness with the stars as my audience in such an emotional display.

Looking back, I am grateful I took the courage to take the hazy road toward damnation. If I had not done so, I wouldn’t have learned the value of ‘walking away’ for the right reasons and pursuing what truly matters. The experience led me to see that I am indeed a moron. If I was not stupid enough I wouldn’t have been bold enough to leave behind certainty for something hazy. And if I had chosen to remain in the safety of the field I was in before, I wouldn’t have been able to land on the place where I am right now.

Now I am putting a lid on the year 2015. There had been some darkness and grey areas, but the sparks were far greater than the shadows and the colors were more vibrant than the muted hues.

Cheers to 2016 and to better version of the self.

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A Letter to Heaven

Aunt Majean,

Yesterday was your birthday, but to me you will never age. Your image will remain the same in my memory as you were 12 years ago when you left us.

It is indeed difficult to believe that it has been more than a decade since you took your eternal rest. Despite that, we have never forgotten you— most especially me. Each day you are always with me, in my mind and in my heart.

There are days that I would cry myself because I miss you badly. I have not told anyone but I have not gotten over the pain of your departure. Whenever I think of you, I felt I was cheated by fate. You left a void in my life, an empty part that echoes its longing for you.

I miss your presence; the sound of your overtly-excited-high-pitched-voice that used to spread happiness among the people around you. I miss your sweet and pretty face with those almond eyes that resemble mine as well as my papa. I miss your unwavering energy from the break of day until the sun sets. I miss the way you spoil me with illegal goodies you bring every afternoon— the chocolates, candies, chips, and other junk foods prohibited at home.

I remember how you would sneak and kidnap me whenever my parents are at work and I was left with the house helper. I remember how you would put the whole household in panic when we set out our plans for escape when I was not allowed to go out. I remember how you would throw me in the water in pools and at the beach just to teach me how to swim. I remember how you would bring me in your friends’ as well as your office outings.

Aunt Majean, I would never forget you. I would never forget that every morning you would vocalize in the shower and sing “Mickey Mouse March” from the Disney Classics. I would never forget that your place on the dinner table was on the left of grandma. I would never forget that it was so easy for you to earn a three-digit score in one turn in scrabble. I would never forget that you were the only one among the family members who crunch numbers like it was just Snickers.  I would never forget that taco was something we bond over with every single day. I would never forget that you allowed me to have a few cans of Cali (although now I realized it’s non-alcoholic) and got me drunk when I was about five. I would never forget that you are the reason why I am always out and about until now.

You are the only person I knew of who took cats seriously; you would pick up every single kitty we passed on along the streets. It is true that most of the time the cats were the source of yours and Uncle Glenn’s (your brother) misunderstandings. He would secretly throw away the cats you had brought in the house, because let’s face it— they trigger yours and everybody’s asthma. Despite that, no one can stop you from sheltering more stray cats.

You are known in every corner of town and unofficially earned the title of Ms. Congeniality. We were surprised how popular you were. The amount of friends you gained and the number of people you touched while you were still living was very evident on the day of your wake and the time of your burial. Everyone in the family was surprised at how you were able to fill an entire Church. There were so many strangers, people whom you and you alone knew.

I believe that you were happy surrounded by friends on that day before we laid you down on your final resting place. It was obvious on people’s faces how they were hoping that you would rise from your casket, take over the microphone, and start singing one of the Air Supply songs. I was wishing the same, but it never happened.

Everyone will agree with me that you were taken from us too soon. Like the rest, I was not ready to lose you. At 10 years old I was not prepared to welcome your death and until now I have not learned how to let go of you.

There are so many what-ifs running in my head. In that short while given to us, I am fortunate that you had played an important role in my formative years. You taught me that there is nothing wrong to sweat, to be dirty, and to be surrounded by guy friends. You showed me that it is not a shame to lose and that it is better to satisfy one’s curiosity than to settle and memorize facts.

Thank you for exhibiting what the true meaning of sharing is— that it is not about the material things but more importantly on the giving of one self and one’s being to others. Thank you for sharing yourself to me the most— for considering me your bestfriend and for helping me understand what it is like to be one.

You are so far from me now but you will always remain my bestfriend. Thank you for being my angel in heaven and for gifting me another person I can turn to in the form of Kristin.

I miss you and I would never cease to love you.

Hugs and kisses from earth,

Your favorite niece.

 

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