Tag Archives: Rant

To Love and To Stab

Is there anything worse than to love and be betrayed?

Betrayed not by the beloved, but by a friend.

It is treachery at its finest and nothing

But treason at its best.

And there goes loving and stabbing,

For what is friendship

Compared to the warmth of Adonis’ kisses?

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B, it’s a shame that you made a promise and broke it several days later. When I thought I’ve lost two amazing people in my life, the world made me realize I only lost a friend. I still have my dignity, I retained it while you lost yours. I pity you.

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You Go Through Pain Alone

Why is it so difficult to share the pain when it’s far too easy to spread the feeling of genuine happiness? Isn’t it funny how impossible it is to let someone lift a piece of your burden even if s/he offered his/her hands for you because you know for a fact that you alone are the one who can feel its weight? And that no matter how much you try to find the right words that will perfectly describe how you are aching, you still fail to capture the essence of your misery? Such is the exclusivity of hurt and agony no matter how many of your friends comfort you. They know nothing anyway.

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An Open Letter to the Lost Girl

Dear Self,

How are you? I really don’t know how to begin this letter. I thought that maybe, great grandma’s way of starting it would somehow work— I pray it does.

Remember how I always tell you that after college I want to be a lawyer? Remember the time capsule I made before high school graduation where I wrote my long term plans and the goals I should have achieved once I reached 25?

Yes, I had always been known as the girl who has big dreams and well-engineered step by step recipe for success. You even made a tagline for me, “What the princess wants, the princess gets”. It did work for me, for whatever I put my mind into I actually get.

It was not always easy, yet I still succeed. I know, I know that like everyone else you believe that I always have it in me. That I am a naturally born achiever, that I have what it takes to be whatever I desire. I believed that too— that I have the ‘it’.

I know you are pretty confused at the moment as you read between my words. I am definitely confused myself.

I am sorry to disappoint you, to have not grown up as the girl you always thought I would become. I put law school aside for now because I started doubting myself since third year college. I do not know how I lost that decisiveness that I once had when I was younger— that certainty to be in the psycho-political game.

I was unsure whether or not I truly want to get myself into it, the very reason why I decided to take the usual track of corporate life after graduation. I went with the current along with other fresh graduates. Like them I was thrilled by the idea of getting a real job, of wearing black and white, and earning for myself.

However, while I was already walking that kind of path I realized that I do not have a sense of purpose in that field. I was making more than a usual fresh graduate’s salary but I could not see any meaning behind what I was doing. It felt like I was submerged in a pool of lifeless machines working day in and day out with “that’s the way things are” explanations about everything.

They are people too, only they have gotten used to almost everything that questions, wonders, and amazement became pointless. I felt so out of place in an environment where the people forgot that they too are persons.

Trust me, I also regret that I let a really big opportunity slip off my fingers. Call me crazy and moronic, but what would I be doing with that money when each day that passes by I was breading hate and alienation not just on my job but on the entire workplace including the people?

You can throw that stiletto on me. I would gladly take the hit for it truly was a stupid move to leave my previous work without any plan. Do not ask me what I would do now for I too do not know the answer to that.

I apologize to you and to everyone else that I had been bothering lately. I am floating in a vacuum and I do not really know what I want. I do not want to go to law school or to take masters or to enter a new job or to be part of whatever there is in which I cannot commit myself completely.

Forgive me for I am lost. Forgive me that I cannot figure things out. Forgive me that I have no sense of direction. Forgive me that I do not know myself yet. I am truly sorry.

 

 

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BECAUSE NOTHING IS STATIC

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I walk along the streets, like a child lost in the big world. On one street corner I stopped my heels and looked around. The same old buildings stand tall, new ones had been erected and added on the scene. There are people passing by, some are friends while others are strangers. I looked at their faces, all of them smiling.

Everything is so familiar, even I is a native to the place. Yet why is it that I do not feel that sense of belonging? I changed— I am still that same old girl, with an eye transformed by experiences. But the world around me has been altered as well. I no longer understand the street signs that had been there since time immemorial, the buildings that were older than I, and the people I had known long ago. I can no longer fathom the world at my grasp the same way they can no longer comprehend my thoughts and my actions.

How can two dynamic things meet at one point when they are constantly moving— forever undergoing metamorphosis? In this non-static universe, everything’s enigmatic.

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Into the Wilderness

FOTOR

Twenties is the time when we start figuring out our lives. It is the stage when our kind tries to search the proper career, find the right place, explore new horizons, discover more of life, and tumble into a special someone. I never anticipated though that I will feel this lost in this particular phase.

My university never failed to prepare me for the outside world. It equipped me with the necessary skills and knowledge in order to survive out of the campus gates. Despite being all geared up for the battlefield, I never expected that the adult reality is this complex and this harsh. I never foresaw that it will be as hazy as a foggy day and will be as blurred as the cloudy skies.

I do not know where to go or where the tide will lead me. I feel like a disoriented sailor not knowing where to land her ship or where to bring it. The current is so strong, the rain so hard, and the wind so devastating— my insides cannot help but churn while my body uncontrollably shivers.

They say it is the time when one makes a lot of mistakes, but does the wrong turns constitute this much distress in ones inside?

In the class of 2014’s send off, my favorite Jesuit, Fr. J addressed the graduating class. He said, “Even if you choose wrongly, you’re never lost. We’ll make do with your broken decisions; you too will never be broken with whatever decision you make… Be open to that mystery that is bigger than your life.”

How could he let these words come out of him? How could he assert my classmates and I that we will be fine and remain whole after all the unsound choices we will make?

I am terribly confuse and scared that I really do not know what to do with my life. I agree that life does not have a hard and fast rule; it does not come with a manual. One simply needs to live it. But right now, if someone would throw me a map, a compass, or a navigator I would gladly take it even if you would consider it cheating to continue afloat in this vast ocean.

I hope and pray, that the little spark of light which I still have at the moment burn longer. I might not be seeing where I am headed at the moment or if I am actually traversing the correct route. All I know is I am sailing aimlessly with no direction, only words I hold on to as well as a promise that I will remain intact no matter what.

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