How are you? I really don’t know how to begin this letter. I thought that maybe, great grandma’s way of starting it would somehow work— I pray it does.
Remember how I always tell you that after college I want to be a lawyer? Remember the time capsule I made before high school graduation where I wrote my long term plans and the goals I should have achieved once I reached 25?
Yes, I had always been known as the girl who has big dreams and well-engineered step by step recipe for success. You even made a tagline for me, “What the princess wants, the princess gets”. It did work for me, for whatever I put my mind into I actually get.
It was not always easy, yet I still succeed. I know, I know that like everyone else you believe that I always have it in me. That I am a naturally born achiever, that I have what it takes to be whatever I desire. I believed that too— that I have the ‘it’.
I know you are pretty confused at the moment as you read between my words. I am definitely confused myself.
I am sorry to disappoint you, to have not grown up as the girl you always thought I would become. I put law school aside for now because I started doubting myself since third year college. I do not know how I lost that decisiveness that I once had when I was younger— that certainty to be in the psycho-political game.
I was unsure whether or not I truly want to get myself into it, the very reason why I decided to take the usual track of corporate life after graduation. I went with the current along with other fresh graduates. Like them I was thrilled by the idea of getting a real job, of wearing black and white, and earning for myself.
However, while I was already walking that kind of path I realized that I do not have a sense of purpose in that field. I was making more than a usual fresh graduate’s salary but I could not see any meaning behind what I was doing. It felt like I was submerged in a pool of lifeless machines working day in and day out with “that’s the way things are” explanations about everything.
They are people too, only they have gotten used to almost everything that questions, wonders, and amazement became pointless. I felt so out of place in an environment where the people forgot that they too are persons.
Trust me, I also regret that I let a really big opportunity slip off my fingers. Call me crazy and moronic, but what would I be doing with that money when each day that passes by I was breading hate and alienation not just on my job but on the entire workplace including the people?
You can throw that stiletto on me. I would gladly take the hit for it truly was a stupid move to leave my previous work without any plan. Do not ask me what I would do now for I too do not know the answer to that.
I apologize to you and to everyone else that I had been bothering lately. I am floating in a vacuum and I do not really know what I want. I do not want to go to law school or to take masters or to enter a new job or to be part of whatever there is in which I cannot commit myself completely.
Forgive me for I am lost. Forgive me that I cannot figure things out. Forgive me that I have no sense of direction. Forgive me that I do not know myself yet. I am truly sorry.