Tag Archives: Sadness

To Love and To Stab

Is there anything worse than to love and be betrayed?

Betrayed not by the beloved, but by a friend.

It is treachery at its finest and nothing

But treason at its best.

And there goes loving and stabbing,

For what is friendship

Compared to the warmth of Adonis’ kisses?

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B, it’s a shame that you made a promise and broke it several days later. When I thought I’ve lost two amazing people in my life, the world made me realize I only lost a friend. I still have my dignity, I retained it while you lost yours. I pity you.

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You Go Through Pain Alone

Why is it so difficult to share the pain when it’s far too easy to spread the feeling of genuine happiness? Isn’t it funny how impossible it is to let someone lift a piece of your burden even if s/he offered his/her hands for you because you know for a fact that you alone are the one who can feel its weight? And that no matter how much you try to find the right words that will perfectly describe how you are aching, you still fail to capture the essence of your misery? Such is the exclusivity of hurt and agony no matter how many of your friends comfort you. They know nothing anyway.

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A Letter to Heaven

Aunt Majean,

Yesterday was your birthday, but to me you will never age. Your image will remain the same in my memory as you were 12 years ago when you left us.

It is indeed difficult to believe that it has been more than a decade since you took your eternal rest. Despite that, we have never forgotten you— most especially me. Each day you are always with me, in my mind and in my heart.

There are days that I would cry myself because I miss you badly. I have not told anyone but I have not gotten over the pain of your departure. Whenever I think of you, I felt I was cheated by fate. You left a void in my life, an empty part that echoes its longing for you.

I miss your presence; the sound of your overtly-excited-high-pitched-voice that used to spread happiness among the people around you. I miss your sweet and pretty face with those almond eyes that resemble mine as well as my papa. I miss your unwavering energy from the break of day until the sun sets. I miss the way you spoil me with illegal goodies you bring every afternoon— the chocolates, candies, chips, and other junk foods prohibited at home.

I remember how you would sneak and kidnap me whenever my parents are at work and I was left with the house helper. I remember how you would put the whole household in panic when we set out our plans for escape when I was not allowed to go out. I remember how you would throw me in the water in pools and at the beach just to teach me how to swim. I remember how you would bring me in your friends’ as well as your office outings.

Aunt Majean, I would never forget you. I would never forget that every morning you would vocalize in the shower and sing “Mickey Mouse March” from the Disney Classics. I would never forget that your place on the dinner table was on the left of grandma. I would never forget that it was so easy for you to earn a three-digit score in one turn in scrabble. I would never forget that you were the only one among the family members who crunch numbers like it was just Snickers.  I would never forget that taco was something we bond over with every single day. I would never forget that you allowed me to have a few cans of Cali (although now I realized it’s non-alcoholic) and got me drunk when I was about five. I would never forget that you are the reason why I am always out and about until now.

You are the only person I knew of who took cats seriously; you would pick up every single kitty we passed on along the streets. It is true that most of the time the cats were the source of yours and Uncle Glenn’s (your brother) misunderstandings. He would secretly throw away the cats you had brought in the house, because let’s face it— they trigger yours and everybody’s asthma. Despite that, no one can stop you from sheltering more stray cats.

You are known in every corner of town and unofficially earned the title of Ms. Congeniality. We were surprised how popular you were. The amount of friends you gained and the number of people you touched while you were still living was very evident on the day of your wake and the time of your burial. Everyone in the family was surprised at how you were able to fill an entire Church. There were so many strangers, people whom you and you alone knew.

I believe that you were happy surrounded by friends on that day before we laid you down on your final resting place. It was obvious on people’s faces how they were hoping that you would rise from your casket, take over the microphone, and start singing one of the Air Supply songs. I was wishing the same, but it never happened.

Everyone will agree with me that you were taken from us too soon. Like the rest, I was not ready to lose you. At 10 years old I was not prepared to welcome your death and until now I have not learned how to let go of you.

There are so many what-ifs running in my head. In that short while given to us, I am fortunate that you had played an important role in my formative years. You taught me that there is nothing wrong to sweat, to be dirty, and to be surrounded by guy friends. You showed me that it is not a shame to lose and that it is better to satisfy one’s curiosity than to settle and memorize facts.

Thank you for exhibiting what the true meaning of sharing is— that it is not about the material things but more importantly on the giving of one self and one’s being to others. Thank you for sharing yourself to me the most— for considering me your bestfriend and for helping me understand what it is like to be one.

You are so far from me now but you will always remain my bestfriend. Thank you for being my angel in heaven and for gifting me another person I can turn to in the form of Kristin.

I miss you and I would never cease to love you.

Hugs and kisses from earth,

Your favorite niece.

 

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An Open Letter to the Lost Girl

Dear Self,

How are you? I really don’t know how to begin this letter. I thought that maybe, great grandma’s way of starting it would somehow work— I pray it does.

Remember how I always tell you that after college I want to be a lawyer? Remember the time capsule I made before high school graduation where I wrote my long term plans and the goals I should have achieved once I reached 25?

Yes, I had always been known as the girl who has big dreams and well-engineered step by step recipe for success. You even made a tagline for me, “What the princess wants, the princess gets”. It did work for me, for whatever I put my mind into I actually get.

It was not always easy, yet I still succeed. I know, I know that like everyone else you believe that I always have it in me. That I am a naturally born achiever, that I have what it takes to be whatever I desire. I believed that too— that I have the ‘it’.

I know you are pretty confused at the moment as you read between my words. I am definitely confused myself.

I am sorry to disappoint you, to have not grown up as the girl you always thought I would become. I put law school aside for now because I started doubting myself since third year college. I do not know how I lost that decisiveness that I once had when I was younger— that certainty to be in the psycho-political game.

I was unsure whether or not I truly want to get myself into it, the very reason why I decided to take the usual track of corporate life after graduation. I went with the current along with other fresh graduates. Like them I was thrilled by the idea of getting a real job, of wearing black and white, and earning for myself.

However, while I was already walking that kind of path I realized that I do not have a sense of purpose in that field. I was making more than a usual fresh graduate’s salary but I could not see any meaning behind what I was doing. It felt like I was submerged in a pool of lifeless machines working day in and day out with “that’s the way things are” explanations about everything.

They are people too, only they have gotten used to almost everything that questions, wonders, and amazement became pointless. I felt so out of place in an environment where the people forgot that they too are persons.

Trust me, I also regret that I let a really big opportunity slip off my fingers. Call me crazy and moronic, but what would I be doing with that money when each day that passes by I was breading hate and alienation not just on my job but on the entire workplace including the people?

You can throw that stiletto on me. I would gladly take the hit for it truly was a stupid move to leave my previous work without any plan. Do not ask me what I would do now for I too do not know the answer to that.

I apologize to you and to everyone else that I had been bothering lately. I am floating in a vacuum and I do not really know what I want. I do not want to go to law school or to take masters or to enter a new job or to be part of whatever there is in which I cannot commit myself completely.

Forgive me for I am lost. Forgive me that I cannot figure things out. Forgive me that I have no sense of direction. Forgive me that I do not know myself yet. I am truly sorry.

 

 

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BECAUSE NOTHING IS STATIC

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I walk along the streets, like a child lost in the big world. On one street corner I stopped my heels and looked around. The same old buildings stand tall, new ones had been erected and added on the scene. There are people passing by, some are friends while others are strangers. I looked at their faces, all of them smiling.

Everything is so familiar, even I is a native to the place. Yet why is it that I do not feel that sense of belonging? I changed— I am still that same old girl, with an eye transformed by experiences. But the world around me has been altered as well. I no longer understand the street signs that had been there since time immemorial, the buildings that were older than I, and the people I had known long ago. I can no longer fathom the world at my grasp the same way they can no longer comprehend my thoughts and my actions.

How can two dynamic things meet at one point when they are constantly moving— forever undergoing metamorphosis? In this non-static universe, everything’s enigmatic.

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