Ironic as it may sound, I want to get through this and yet I want to hang on to every second that is left. I want to take two steps forward to get to the end yet I want to take three steps back that I may start from the beginning once more. I am excited for whatever lies ahead yet I am afraid of that unknown.
Can I have a remote control to pause everything for a while? I want to linger a little bit longer in here– whatever it is.
I can’t believe that today is only Monday and I am already as pissed as hell. Worse is I am turning to the very person I always try to avoid– a misanthropic. Hate is not a beautiful adjective to start my week but it just came around the corner this morning. (Why oh why?)
I arrived in Theology class, my first ever class for the day, happy as a child. As I took my empty seat in front I turned on my left and asked Hans who’s a seat away from me if he was able to make the letter we needed. My voice was really at its lowest, it was almost a whisper because there’s this group presenting in front about their immersion experience.
Then my dearly-beloved-good-for-nothing-groupmate Sam who’s directly on my left (I dislike her even more now) hushed me with her wrinkled face. I looked at her and said in the most annoyed tone, “What?”
I turned away from her and rolled my eyes. I was trying to hold my temper because I didn’t want to cause a scene although I knew Micco Sol (I have to use his last name and shorten it because there are so many Mico in school) who was presenting in front saw and heard what happened. He gave out a shrewd smile in my direction; however, his good looking face wasn’t enough to make up for my already ruined mood.
I opened my bag to get the printout of the files that Hans needed for our paper. When I passed it to him it slipped on his hands and fell. As expected, it got Sam distressed. She shook her head and sighed heavily. Hans shot me a look and a faint smile while I turned away from Sam before I could say anything.
While I was silently listening to the group presentation Sam poked my side. I’m very sensitive in that area so it made me jump a little which agitated me even more. I was nearly on the limit of my patience so I faced her asking, “Now what?” in the rudest way a person could talk to another complete with the facial expression and everything. She showed me a paper with scribbles that I didn’t pay attention to. The second thing I knew was I was rolling my eyes on her and moving my seat closer to Roanne’s.
[I know… I shouldn’t have acted that way. BUT. But, it’s too much to start my day.]
When we got dismissed I started venting out everything to Hans, Roanne, Kevin E. and Emman. I just had to voice out how I felt and how pissed I was before I lose my sanity. The whole group is irritated with her and so it became a ranting galore with her out of the picture. To multiply the hate, Hans expressed his diatribe against Sam and John (a classmate who’s his groupmate in two other classes).
Now it really upsets me that I have this animosity in my system. I try to be diplomatic most of the time but sooner or later I might just snap, I can’t contain the anger for long. I don’t want this feeling to linger on because it is starting to tear the goodness in my heart. Oh please tell me this is not HATE, rather just a disequilibrium of my emotional capacity to understand a person.
[I don’t want to live on hate. This too shall pass. *fingers crossed*]
*
Mumford and Son’s can be my only cure for tonight. “Sigh No More” is a reminder that I should love and continue loving NOT hating.
[Heavy sigh]
Alas it’s the end of the week which translates to rest day tomorrow! Finally, a legitimate Saturday to be consumed for sleep.
I badly wanted to fast forward the time and change the date to September 14, 2013. It’s not because something special will happen next day, it’s just I want to leave behind the hatred that accumulated in my heart today and just forget it. This Friday sucks!
I’m not a superstitious person so I really don’t care about black cats, lucky colors, Friday the 13th and whatnot– I don’t believe all these shenanigans. In fact it was just this evening that I realized it’s Friday the 13th, thanks to Facebook newsfeed function and “Happy Friday the 13th” statuses of those in my friend list.
[I don’t understand why such an ordinary Friday and an ordinary number make such a big fuss. Today being deemed as an “unlucky” day became more adjunct than the events in Syria and the war down south of the country. Unbelievable!]
Anyway, I guess Mr. F13 tried his hardest to make a point today by collaborating with Mr. Murphy of Murphy’s Law. Perfect combination!
First, I arrived in school early for my theology class only to find out that it’s free cut! (Oh stupid me!) Sir Lib announced that he’ll be giving a free Friday for us, however he cleared last Wednesday that it was going to be for the Friday of next week. So I was surprised that it was just Roanne, Jai and I who were there. Well maybe I remembered wrongly.
Fortunately my peanut butter and jelly sandwich was able to offset the bad vibes. (PBJ always heals the heart).
However the joy that the PB&J gave me was momentary. To make matters worse, Mr. F13 and Mr. Murphy made a partnership with Finagle to better ruin the day. After political science class I was talking to Roanne and Kenn regarding the plans for the interview we’d be conducting that afternoon. Since I still had class until 1:30 I was asking them where I would meet them. The three of us were busy chatting when Sam started asking the same question we’re discussing.
She stood behind me facing Roanne and chattered blurred words while I continued talking to Kenn. A few seconds passed and the person behind me was suddenly three rows away from the three of us. She was fast. She was already in front of Hans gesturing like a madman in a blink of an eye. As Sam talked animatedly to him, Hans’ eyes met mine– morse code received and processed.
When I stepped out of the room Hans was beside the door waiting for Roanne, Kenn and I wearing a sly smile before giving out a chuckle. I made a face and asked him, “So what was her agenda?”
He parroted Sam’s voice and mimicked her actions in the most annoying way he could, “Max’s not answering me yada yada”.
Well, Sam’s pissed at me. Good job.
I really don’t get her. Every day of my life with her makes me hate her more. I keep on trying to keep my cool but this girl is really getting on my nerves. My groupmates don’t like her and her groupmates in other subjects despise her, yet my team is trying our hardest to make things work with her.
Nonetheless, accusing me of such crime I hadn’t committed is really absurd. When she made her inquiry she did not address the question to anyone of us. If she was talking to me, she could have tapped my shoulders instead of standing behind me where I couldn’t even see her face. It could have been better if she mentioned my name so that I would have known that it was me she was referring to. Maybe if she wasn’t being bitchy, she could have waited for Kenn and I to finish our conversation before butting in (girl I only have one mouth!).
I couldn’t do anything but to hold my patience in the remaining hours of the day because we had to go to the city hall to gather some data for our economic paper after my class. In the end, I didn’t really attend my last class due to the fact that it was just a group presentation which meant that it’s self explanatory. Thus, after Miss checked the attendance I silently made my exit and pretended that I would go to the washroom. [I didn’t really mean to sneak out; it’s just that the earlier we leave the university the greater the chance that we could get hands on more information.]
It seemed to me that Mr. F13, Mr. Murphy and Finagle weren’t satisfied with their operation-Max. On the way to the city hall, they played another joke. As we traverse the elliptical road, our car almost got hit by another car. I was facing my left talking to Kenn, when I twisted my head to the right I shouted frantically– the black Fortuner was millimeters away from my door. It was a good thing that the driver of the other car was quick to step on his break and Kenn was fast to turn the wheel on the other side.
[That incident wasn’t enough to make the dark forces happy. In fact, they even meddled with me while we were tending to our purpose in the city hall.]
When we arrived in the city hall, three guys met us and received us in their office. Misters Jun, Tom, and Sherwin were tasked to take care of our needs since their boss was on leave. They’re nice government employees. However they couldn’t provide us with the records and the data set that we need which really made my mood meter show, ‘temper at near maximum’. I was trying to keep my composure together as things got really messed up, especially with Sam in the same room behaving rudely towards me in front of other people (Come on girl, cut the crap. You could be better than that!).
[I know that the reason why she acted that way was because I was the one facilitating and running the discussion. She wanted to take the lime light but couldn’t do so for I wasn’t opening up a door for her. *insert evil laugh here*]
I couldn’t believe that their department doesn’t have the records nor do they have the things we were looking for when it’s their office’s job to have it. I didn’t want to leave their office empty handed, the situation called for the “Max Spell” (It’s basically my ‘I-don’t-care-if-you’re-in-charge-here-I’m-the-boss-and-you-ought-to-respond-to-my-request’ attitude). With a smile, a little friendliness and some charm I was able to mobilize them to find a way to get the information we wanted. Jun, Tom and Sherwin started contacting various agencies to raise our agenda which luckily led us to the hidden data.
[Haha. Bossing people around without them noticing it is always the best.]
On a different note, the moon silently listened to all the animosity contained in me as I go jogging round after round in the campus. Finally, Mr. Moon showed up after days of rainy nights.
Now I want some chocolates.
“Why do we get disappointed?” Kevin threw the question over lunch.
I looked at him perplexed with the sudden change he brought in the air while Roanne smiled teasingly before saying, “What are you going through?”
It’s normal for us to talk about some deep shit sometimes, but it only happens when we’re in some secluded place. I just thought that the noisy cafeteria wasn’t the best place to discuss topics that require some philosophical insights. Besides, I just came out of my philosophy class and I was trying to have some break from the mind boggling thoughts– yet Kevin brought it up.
I was still in the process of digesting all the ideas that my professor threw at us during class. I was still trying to take in the fact that it was Sir JC’s last lecture before he leaves to pursue his doctorate degree. It was also just starting to settle in my head that the one who will take charge of the class by next week will be Doc Guz, the department chairman. [How am I supposed to react? Haha.]
He insisted that Roanne and I answer him. Well, what could I do?
I shot a long stare at him and asked, “Did you ever cut philo last semester?”
“No. You know it’s the only subject I had no plans of cutting ever!” he replied defensively.
“Then you didn’t listen to Mr. Cool Guy I guess. He answered that question in class before. He said that the reason why we get disappointed is because we expect something. We expect from people and when they didn’t meet our expectations we suffer. If we hadn’t expected in the first place we won’t get disappointed. Do you remember now?” I said.
“And if you remember Freud’s real self and the ideal self it can also answer your query. If our ideal self is far from the real self we also suffer,” I added.
Now I am glad that he brought up that question. It reminded me of some things that I, myself, had forgotten too.
*
Speaking of expectations…
The results of our philosophy oral exam came out yesterday. I certainly knew that on Monday during the longest 15 minutes of my life I missed my shot. Sir JC gave me the thesis statement I did not prepare for. I was praying to get the one before it, but life played it’s game fair and square and gave me the one I hated most. Hurray for that!
So, during my 15 minutes of fame I just threw out all that I know and talked as if I knew what I was saying. At the back of my head I was like, “Oh shit Max. Think. Think. Come on… you have something better than that.” And because stupid me neglected that thesis statement I didn’t have any concrete examples in mind to support all the mundane and abstract thoughts I’ve been blabbering about.
Suddenly my stupid mouth blurted out SEX as an example. Before I knew it, I was fervidly discussing how Proslogion, which can be also called a prayer, is comparable to sex. [Holy crap. How did I relate the two things? ]
When I got back to my senses I realized how awkward the situation was. I was in a room with my professor discussing sex and talking about orgasm and whatnot. Worst was I compared prayer, a sacred gesture, to the sexual intercourse. (Max!!!)
I was praying not to get an F because honestly I was terrible. A D would already suffice. Hence, I already told my heart that it seems impossible for an average student like me to get a decent grade from this legendary professor.
When the results came out yesterday all I saw was the comments he gave for each student. I was glad about his remarks on me, it gave me some spark of hope that I won’t be getting an F. From the looks of it, it seemed like I’d be getting a D. (I already rejoiced because of that gut feel).
Suddenly, Emman messaged me. He told me that I was fishing when I told him I screwed up. [The hell. I really did screw up!] He was restating how I said I’d get an F when in fact I have a B. (Of course I didn’t believe him at first, I had to check it for myself. When I saw the B staring at me I shouted and jumped like a madman. Happiness.)
I am more than happy. Gosh. Out of the 67 students (total of Sir JC’s two classes), only three people got an A, five receive a B+ and four of us got a B. I thank luck for that!
*
Today, I went to the hospital with my visit-mates where we volunteer for the cancer kids. Three of the AISEC exchange joined us and I am more than delighted to have them with us. I just made three new friends namely, Abi who is a 24-year-old accountant from Canada; Gini, a third year medical science student from Indonesia; and Beau who is a sophomore majoring in international management.
After three hours of hospital volunteering, I went back to school and hid in one of my caverns– the new library. I spent an hour there just chilling with books and silence. Then I went home and did some serious yoga before Facebooking. A meal filled my grumbling stomach after I relaxed. I guess the weather loves me today, because a few hours after I had my meal the rain stopped which gave me the chance to run around campus.
A hot shower and some Yiruma music close the night.
Wednesday had been a really happy day.
My finger puppet. LIKE A BOSS!
Although I am slowly feeling the stress attacking my body, I feel prolific and jolly still. I am getting less and less sleep each night; not that I am really studying. In fact I am procrastinating, but insomnia is kicking most of the nights plus the emotionally, physically and mentally draining student life.
All day I am in school juggling org work and academics. The org part is really relieving most of the time with the dolls getting sold out and people enjoying customizing their dolls. The real aim of the project is to raise funds for the art workshop of the kids with cancer through plushy dolls that are being sold in the campus. The kids will make their own dolls like the buyers.
Art really has this healing power because every time I was the one assigned to man the booth I feel lighthearted seeing the people enjoy the craft. Most especially I felt relieved when I did it myself. Today has been the third day and we don’t have any dolls left to sell for tomorrow which is supposedly our last day. There are others who came to our booth today demanding that we sell more dolls tomorrow because they haven’t gotten one for themselves yet– surprisingly a good number of them are straight guys!
It really made me so happy! That awesome feeling when you know there’s still hope in humanity. Kindness and love had been overflowing ever since we opened last Tuesday.
Thankies to everyone!
*
On a different note…
Finally! I saw Theo today. Haha.
I came to school 30 minutes before my class starts so I could help Mariel and Mogs set up the booth. Fortunately, it’s Theo’s shift in his organization’s booth behind ours.
I put my bag down and told Mariel, “Shoot. Captain America’s finally here.”
Mariel insisted I approach him and give him the doll. So… I gathered all the courage I had and pulled Mariel to walk with me. Good thing my voice came out when I was near him already.
“Theo, remember you bought a doll last time? You left it naked so I dressed it up as Captain America cause you said you wanted a Captain America. I hope it looks like Captain America.” I told him.
It was nice to see him go wide eyed with a smile, “I left it cause I had no time to make it. It’s Captain America!!!”
And then I went back to our booth and sat there to read Ricoeur and the steps of theodicy just in case my professor gives out a quiz that morning which fortunately didn’t happen cause I only finished the first paragraph!
*
Another achievement of the day is… I got Mogs talking. As in really talking. I knew that guy has that inner talker in him, pretty proud of myself that I unleashed it. haha.
Max Living at Maximum 