I can’t keep a secret, not even mine! That is why I always need a journal or a blog to confide with.
People surrounding me usually look at me as the high profile lady, the unattainable smart-ass little girl, the adorable geek and the classy substantial female. They all perceive me as an optimistic lass, a hard to please chic, and a good decision maker. They see me as an open book with nice yellow cover and a smiling angelic face printed on it. I hate to pop their bubble so I remain as the miss goodie-goodie that I am not.
All of this is me yet just a façade.
It won’t be the first time that someone will say, “You know I have a dirty dark secret that no one truly knows and I have kept it to myself all this time”. [Okay, it’s not that I killed anyone but yes for me this is a huge secret]. There are many things I hide from the penetrating eyes of the public that I am not comfortable to divulge. Yes, I might seem like the “tell-it-all-girl” but really I never was. I am very talkative, sure. However when it comes to thoughts, dreams, desires and a whole lot more, I keep my mouth shut.
So yeah, what people usually see is just the front of the house.
I am the responsible student who walks down the street just like any other college girls. Sometimes I am lost in contemplation about deep thoughts from Philosophy class and sometimes I am absorbed reflecting on how my day went about. I love my brother and my parents, I’m pretty sure I play my part in the family well. As a friend I am damn sure that I give time and attention to all my friends, most especially I remain true and less secretive with my bestrfriend practically sharing most of everything to her (though of course there are a bunch I keep to myself).
It’s not everything I am.
I do cut classes. Sometimes I do it in order to utilize the time for other requirements and meet deadlines, most of the time I do it just because I don’t feel like attending the class and would be happier using the time to get some sleep. I value education and learning yet there are just moments when the devil in me will suddenly over power my nice side.
I’m vain but I don’t show it. I don’t have the best skin nor do I have the prettiest face but I feel comfortable about it. I do feel pretty in my own and I flatter myself in front of the mirror. When no one’s looking or when everyone’s out of earshot I give extemporaneous speeches like I am a key note speaker in a huge conference with a bunch of eager listeners.
I fantasize. Gosh. This is the one of the worst secret in my treasure chest of what-not-to-tell-the-world. I fantasize not just about my future dreams and goals. I am also a college student with hormones surging in my system; hence, during my spare time my mind goes imaginative and travels to the land of lust where I picture myself with attractive alpha males from school or from those literary masterpieces I read. In my head I craft my story with Mr. Christian Grey and sometimes I think how it feels like under Adam Levine. [Now I judge myself]
I masturbate. The image that is being transmitted here is a petite girl lying naked on her bed with a vibrating toy that she inserts in her sex while moaning and resonating sound of pleasures from “ooh” to “ahhh”. NO. It’s not like that. When my housemates are out and I’m sure that I am on my own I lock my room to watch some porn. I watch couples copulating and I am pretty impressed at how big the male weapon is as well as how it fits inside the female genitalia. I am not dumb that the people in the video are just acting and giving out those sounds of pleasure when some of them aren’t really reaching nirvana. Most actors and actresses are overacting yet every time I watch such videos I kind of get fascinated with the different styles and positions they do much more when I see them reach the zenith of their act since I neither experienced nor tried it. [Oh yes, I am an NBSB so no questions need to be raised. I am a total V]. I wonder how it felt getting in the climax and whether all who had been at the capstone of the erotic act looked like how porn portrays them. Sometimes I watch at some girls playing on their own. I do such things which well I find delirious yet still satisfying for the eyes.
Sometimes it’s not through videos that I do it, when I am silently sitting in one corner I pretend to read for my homework when in fact I am secretly reading graphic novels which I downloaded. Whether I get busy with porn or read erotic novels I surely get as wet as those I watch or the ones being described by whatever book I am reading on my screen. Believe it or not there are so many things happening inside my body, I squirm and gasped as noiseless as possible. After every video or every page I can feel the wet liquid rushing down from me (yes, I get stimulated by the very act of reading and just looking. I don’t even touch myself or even tried to. This I swear.) And then I find myself changing panties and throwing them in the laundry bin because my freshly worn one’s already soaking in my own juice and I am dripping wet.
So damn yeah I call it using the word masturbation when I am not sure that it can be qualified as one. But by my very definition of the word as having pleasure and getting all high in silent desolation on my own, it is considered one.
Gosh. Why did I blurt it out?
I just want to say that I am not miss teen angel and that I am far from it. I don’t want to be vulgar about the things I do behind closed door, behind the shadows of the night– unfortunately or fortunately I just did. It is much easier to lay down everything in here than to open all these secrets to those who personally know me and would surely give me a stare I can never take.
I just spilled my bad beans. So what? People judge each other everyday anyway and it’s better to be judged by those I don’t really have personal ties with. Besides, no one will search the world trying to find the crazy stupid girl named Max.
My point is… all little angels have a beast in them that secretly lurks behind their awesomeness. It has been there ever since forever just looking for an opportunity to bite.
The truth is, I am just procrastinating for the very reason that I do not have the drive to study yet for my Philosophy exam on Tuesday. I am so stubborn to read the argument of Marion regarding the ontological argument. On the other hand, I am on the hundred first page of this book called “Rule” which is giving me all this guilty pleasure.