Tag Archives: Words

Mum

There are so many things I want to write about. So many emotions I want to put into words. So many experiences I want to share. So many thoughts I want to convey. Yet here I am finding it difficult to express any of them.

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To Love and To Stab

Is there anything worse than to love and be betrayed?

Betrayed not by the beloved, but by a friend.

It is treachery at its finest and nothing

But treason at its best.

And there goes loving and stabbing,

For what is friendship

Compared to the warmth of Adonis’ kisses?

*

B, it’s a shame that you made a promise and broke it several days later. When I thought I’ve lost two amazing people in my life, the world made me realize I only lost a friend. I still have my dignity, I retained it while you lost yours. I pity you.

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I Didn’t Mean to Break You

Dear Q,

I will never send this letter to you nor would you have any chance of finding out the existence of such pouring of words and feelings. Like all the other letters I had written in this little secret place, this one will also be thrown to the void.

I never meant to break your heart and I am sorry for doing so.

I don’t know when it happened or how it happened. I was a new hire in this division packed with pretty young people from my university. You were not present on my first week because you were with Mau and the rest of the DRM boys who were sent to the southern part of the country to assist in the financial forum.

It was the following week when we were introduced to each other. I vividly remember your reaction when I walked past you and went to the desk behind you. I didn’t say ‘hi’ nor did I blurt a word when I saw you. What I did was take a mental note of you in my head, “So he is the Q they were talking about. Pretty cute though”, was what I told myself.

You seemed to notice that I was occupying the once empty seat behind you which made you get up of your chair and walk towards Karen to whisper the question (which funnily was quite audible in my area), “Who is she?” I couldn’t help but smile and laugh in secret when I heard that. We were formally acquainted after and I couldn’t help but paste a huge grin on my silly face.

We instantly clicked– there was no doubt about it. We had so many things to talk about ranging from our lives in the academe (you were just two classes ahead of me and we had the same professors in some subjects) to random stuff about Star Wars. Officemates were surprised at how you seem to be more sociable and more human than before as we engage in more conversation day by day.

I thought maybe the rumors weren’t that true. Maybe they misjudged you– that given a chance to get to know you really well, you aren’t actually the callous-antisocial-math-geek that they deemed you to be. You easily warmed up with me and you were proving all of them wrong.

I saw a different persona in you, a very intelligent and patient guy who is willing to share what he knows of. You would teach me things I do not know and explain to me other matters relating to work which seemed complicated on my part. You were the one trying to put in layman’s terms Paul’s profound mathematical discussion. You were the one who tried comforting me when I had a meltdown in front of Ed because Ampee didn’t follow my orders to move the hundreds of billions from the account of our client (which almost screwed me up). You would usually leave silly notes and competitive challenges on my desk every morning before I get to work.

You emerged from your shell and started hanging out with us. You would join us in our beach trips and late night shenanigans. You became ‘normal’ in most people’s standard. You started to loosen up and started cracking up on our silly jokes.

I would admit that the incomprehensible character of yours and your perks initially attracted me. I had this little crush on you at the beginning. It faded as the two of us got closer and as I get to know the intimate side of you.

I never gave color to your actions; for me you were simply doing big brother duties. You were being a silly and overprotective big brother to me by lighting up a stressful week through your geeky punch lines, reprimanding me when I am consuming my alcohol too fast, watching over me when I was alone surfing at the beach, and whatnot. Everyone was teasing us but I wasn’t affected because I saw nothing strange in a bond between a guy and a girl.

I grew up surrounded mostly by guy friends with only the three of us females in the circle. Thus, I saw nothing wrong or weird about us being friends. I thought maybe they just failed to press the right button two years ago and that I did found the correct one.

Seven months after we first met, we sat under the moon surrounded by anonymous bodies and tall buildings. The air was mildly cold and filled with music that summer night. I was a little bit jumpy and uncomfortable as you talked to me. I wasn’t paying attention to what you were saying because I knew where the conversation was headed.

Days before that, I learned from the guys how you truly felt about me. How you are attracted to me and how you think that I am actually worth the shot. I felt otherwise and the thought of how I would break it to you was keeping me occupied the entire evening we were together.

I didn’t intend to hurt you or to wound you. I tried to soften the blow by trying to phrase everything subtly because I know that there is a possibility for you to emotionally explode– like what you usually do when you get angry.

That April night ended better than I expected. You tried to persuade me to give it a shot. But I am glad you concluded by respecting my decision not to take it to the next level for I couldn’t return the feelings you had for me.

I know my excuse was bullshit but I had no other justification as to why I didn’t want to atleast give it a try. I had to sugarcoat it in some ways for you are more fragile than most people I know of.

That same night you promised we will remain friends and nothing will change. However, promises get broken time and time again and people do change.

We stopped talking two weeks since that incident. I am never the kind of person who would push herself to someone who doesn’t like her or doesn’t like her anymore. I am letting you drift away because I can clearly see from your actions that you no longer want my friendship.

I am not the one who has foregone everything but I am not also the one who would chase someone and drag him home. I don’t let people go that easily however if it’s them who wanted to ran away from me I let them be.

I apologize and I do feel terrible about what happened to us. We cannot repair damaged goods but I do hope we find a way to prevent it from getting completely stale.

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Outside of “Inside Out”

Out of selfish interest, I dragged two of my friends to watch the new Disney Pixar’s movie “Inside Out” on Sunday. We were supposed to watch it with my bestfriend Kristin, who unfortunately got ill the day before. We pursued with the plan without her because I badly needed to divert my attention from all the negative things floating within me.

“Inside Out” was being talked about by so many people in my Facebook newsfeed since its release date. I wanted to see for myself what the fuss was about. Finally I was able to catch it with Lor and Kevin.

Being a satisfied viewer, I could not resist the urge to write my personal take on the movie based on what I experienced inthe theater as well as the impact it left on me as a spectator. Hence, here I am putting everything I could into words.

Similar with many Pixar films, “Inside Out” is a motion picture packaged in an entertainment that kids and mature viewers alike would appreciate. It is in the form of animation which the grown-ups usually consider as something for the children. If one would scrutinize however, it was presented in a classic Pixar style which is in a medium “child-like” yet targets the adult audience.

Noticeably there were so many Psychological concepts and terms encapsulated in the film which kids are not usually familiar with. Long term memory, core memories, personality islands, the dump, sub-conscious, dream production, REM, and whatnot are the ideas which one gets acquainted with and expounded on in Psychology101 classes. These are not things which children would usually encounter nor are these concepts one throws at children during play time.

What Pixar did though was it laid down something seemingly-exclusively-mature in a manner that could be digested and could be easily comprehended by the young viewers. More importantly it provided a good introduction of Freudian and Jungian Psychology to consumers which made the film not only interesting but informative as well.

Five personified emotions namely Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust which every human person without alexithymia would easily identify with were the central characters in the movie. They were the key feelings inside the head of the 11 year old girl Riley Andersen who was originally from Minnesota and moved with her family to San Francisco. These five characters controlled Riley’s insides as well as her reactions in the day to day events of her life.

When Riley was still younger, Joy was the dominating emotion. Most of the memories stored in her memory bank as well as the ones that made-up her core memories were happy ones. Such thoughts were the ones responsible in the development of her bubbly personality. Same is true with a sunny girl like me who used to dwell on the happy side of things until a certain point in time when reality hit me with several unfamiliar circumstances.

As the story developed, Riley began to get into more complicated situations just like a phase in normal pre-pubescent years which stirred her emotions. The once prevalent feeling— Joy, started to be overpowered by Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust. The memory balls stored in her long term memory which were once mostly yellow turned into a mix of blue, red, lavender, and green.

The anxiety brought about by the move to a new city triggered Riley’s complex reaction on things. Joy and Sadness were also sucked away from the headquarters causing her to lose two important emotions for a certain period. This particular point in the movie reminds me of the numbness that I am presently feeling—an apathetic and indifferent attitude towards life.

Losing some of Riley’s happy memories which got deposited in the dump—a natural process of burying memories in a deeper level of cognition— caused things to be out of hand.  She experienced more mood swings and emotional fluctuations as she tried to deal with her current life. This resulted in the core memories crumbling down and thus shattering the personality islands one by one.

As the story progressed, the old islands were replaced by new personality traits founded on new experiences. This shows how dynamic a person can be and reflects how personality traits are ever evolving. Therefore, it is impossible to peg a person or to box an individual in one single definition.

Moreover, human memories are associated with emotions. There are those memories which were once happy but by shifting ones perspective (which happens as one matures) could become gloomy. Aside from this, the movie was able to emphasize that it is possible that there is no one ruling emotion— that it is natural to conceive mixed feelings.

The most striking part in the film for me was Joy’s effort to resurface despite the ongoing clamor inside Riley. It puts emphasis on the human’s desire for happiness even if sadness casts a huge shadow within— no one wants to be in a miserable position. Such portrays how we try to cover up the melancholy inside us by putting on a mask of pretentious laughter or smile.

What was more salient about the movie was how it was able to show the audience that Joy and Sadness are actually not opposites. Pixar was able to break the common notion that one contradicts the other. “Inside Out” was able to acknowledge that Joy and Sadness are coexisting and that the two are part of the same coin.

Additionally, the movie was able to express the importance of an emotion we usually deem negatively—sadness. We dismiss such emotion so often and fears the tears that accompany it; but in reality it is healthy to pause for a while and cry.

In films we watch or novels we read, we are so concern about looking for the moral of the story.  “Inside Out” like the other Pixar films is not similar to an elementary book reading report that tells one ‘not to judge the book by its cover’. It is a movie that presents and tackles the natural human condition. It implicitly aims to guide viewers in understanding the ‘individual’ as well as the self. I believe we need more movies like “Inside Out”, a film that does not simply dwell on the ‘what’ but more importantly on the ‘how’ and the ‘why’.

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A Letter to Heaven

Aunt Majean,

Yesterday was your birthday, but to me you will never age. Your image will remain the same in my memory as you were 12 years ago when you left us.

It is indeed difficult to believe that it has been more than a decade since you took your eternal rest. Despite that, we have never forgotten you— most especially me. Each day you are always with me, in my mind and in my heart.

There are days that I would cry myself because I miss you badly. I have not told anyone but I have not gotten over the pain of your departure. Whenever I think of you, I felt I was cheated by fate. You left a void in my life, an empty part that echoes its longing for you.

I miss your presence; the sound of your overtly-excited-high-pitched-voice that used to spread happiness among the people around you. I miss your sweet and pretty face with those almond eyes that resemble mine as well as my papa. I miss your unwavering energy from the break of day until the sun sets. I miss the way you spoil me with illegal goodies you bring every afternoon— the chocolates, candies, chips, and other junk foods prohibited at home.

I remember how you would sneak and kidnap me whenever my parents are at work and I was left with the house helper. I remember how you would put the whole household in panic when we set out our plans for escape when I was not allowed to go out. I remember how you would throw me in the water in pools and at the beach just to teach me how to swim. I remember how you would bring me in your friends’ as well as your office outings.

Aunt Majean, I would never forget you. I would never forget that every morning you would vocalize in the shower and sing “Mickey Mouse March” from the Disney Classics. I would never forget that your place on the dinner table was on the left of grandma. I would never forget that it was so easy for you to earn a three-digit score in one turn in scrabble. I would never forget that you were the only one among the family members who crunch numbers like it was just Snickers.  I would never forget that taco was something we bond over with every single day. I would never forget that you allowed me to have a few cans of Cali (although now I realized it’s non-alcoholic) and got me drunk when I was about five. I would never forget that you are the reason why I am always out and about until now.

You are the only person I knew of who took cats seriously; you would pick up every single kitty we passed on along the streets. It is true that most of the time the cats were the source of yours and Uncle Glenn’s (your brother) misunderstandings. He would secretly throw away the cats you had brought in the house, because let’s face it— they trigger yours and everybody’s asthma. Despite that, no one can stop you from sheltering more stray cats.

You are known in every corner of town and unofficially earned the title of Ms. Congeniality. We were surprised how popular you were. The amount of friends you gained and the number of people you touched while you were still living was very evident on the day of your wake and the time of your burial. Everyone in the family was surprised at how you were able to fill an entire Church. There were so many strangers, people whom you and you alone knew.

I believe that you were happy surrounded by friends on that day before we laid you down on your final resting place. It was obvious on people’s faces how they were hoping that you would rise from your casket, take over the microphone, and start singing one of the Air Supply songs. I was wishing the same, but it never happened.

Everyone will agree with me that you were taken from us too soon. Like the rest, I was not ready to lose you. At 10 years old I was not prepared to welcome your death and until now I have not learned how to let go of you.

There are so many what-ifs running in my head. In that short while given to us, I am fortunate that you had played an important role in my formative years. You taught me that there is nothing wrong to sweat, to be dirty, and to be surrounded by guy friends. You showed me that it is not a shame to lose and that it is better to satisfy one’s curiosity than to settle and memorize facts.

Thank you for exhibiting what the true meaning of sharing is— that it is not about the material things but more importantly on the giving of one self and one’s being to others. Thank you for sharing yourself to me the most— for considering me your bestfriend and for helping me understand what it is like to be one.

You are so far from me now but you will always remain my bestfriend. Thank you for being my angel in heaven and for gifting me another person I can turn to in the form of Kristin.

I miss you and I would never cease to love you.

Hugs and kisses from earth,

Your favorite niece.

 

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