I will never send this letter to you nor would you have any chance of finding out the existence of such pouring of words and feelings. Like all the other letters I had written in this little secret place, this one will also be thrown to the void.
I never meant to break your heart and I am sorry for doing so.
I don’t know when it happened or how it happened. I was a new hire in this division packed with pretty young people from my university. You were not present on my first week because you were with Mau and the rest of the DRM boys who were sent to the southern part of the country to assist in the financial forum.
It was the following week when we were introduced to each other. I vividly remember your reaction when I walked past you and went to the desk behind you. I didn’t say ‘hi’ nor did I blurt a word when I saw you. What I did was take a mental note of you in my head, “So he is the Q they were talking about. Pretty cute though”, was what I told myself.
You seemed to notice that I was occupying the once empty seat behind you which made you get up of your chair and walk towards Karen to whisper the question (which funnily was quite audible in my area), “Who is she?” I couldn’t help but smile and laugh in secret when I heard that. We were formally acquainted after and I couldn’t help but paste a huge grin on my silly face.
We instantly clicked– there was no doubt about it. We had so many things to talk about ranging from our lives in the academe (you were just two classes ahead of me and we had the same professors in some subjects) to random stuff about Star Wars. Officemates were surprised at how you seem to be more sociable and more human than before as we engage in more conversation day by day.
I thought maybe the rumors weren’t that true. Maybe they misjudged you– that given a chance to get to know you really well, you aren’t actually the callous-antisocial-math-geek that they deemed you to be. You easily warmed up with me and you were proving all of them wrong.
I saw a different persona in you, a very intelligent and patient guy who is willing to share what he knows of. You would teach me things I do not know and explain to me other matters relating to work which seemed complicated on my part. You were the one trying to put in layman’s terms Paul’s profound mathematical discussion. You were the one who tried comforting me when I had a meltdown in front of Ed because Ampee didn’t follow my orders to move the hundreds of billions from the account of our client (which almost screwed me up). You would usually leave silly notes and competitive challenges on my desk every morning before I get to work.
You emerged from your shell and started hanging out with us. You would join us in our beach trips and late night shenanigans. You became ‘normal’ in most people’s standard. You started to loosen up and started cracking up on our silly jokes.
I would admit that the incomprehensible character of yours and your perks initially attracted me. I had this little crush on you at the beginning. It faded as the two of us got closer and as I get to know the intimate side of you.
I never gave color to your actions; for me you were simply doing big brother duties. You were being a silly and overprotective big brother to me by lighting up a stressful week through your geeky punch lines, reprimanding me when I am consuming my alcohol too fast, watching over me when I was alone surfing at the beach, and whatnot. Everyone was teasing us but I wasn’t affected because I saw nothing strange in a bond between a guy and a girl.
I grew up surrounded mostly by guy friends with only the three of us females in the circle. Thus, I saw nothing wrong or weird about us being friends. I thought maybe they just failed to press the right button two years ago and that I did found the correct one.
Seven months after we first met, we sat under the moon surrounded by anonymous bodies and tall buildings. The air was mildly cold and filled with music that summer night. I was a little bit jumpy and uncomfortable as you talked to me. I wasn’t paying attention to what you were saying because I knew where the conversation was headed.
Days before that, I learned from the guys how you truly felt about me. How you are attracted to me and how you think that I am actually worth the shot. I felt otherwise and the thought of how I would break it to you was keeping me occupied the entire evening we were together.
I didn’t intend to hurt you or to wound you. I tried to soften the blow by trying to phrase everything subtly because I know that there is a possibility for you to emotionally explode– like what you usually do when you get angry.
That April night ended better than I expected. You tried to persuade me to give it a shot. But I am glad you concluded by respecting my decision not to take it to the next level for I couldn’t return the feelings you had for me.
I know my excuse was bullshit but I had no other justification as to why I didn’t want to atleast give it a try. I had to sugarcoat it in some ways for you are more fragile than most people I know of.
That same night you promised we will remain friends and nothing will change. However, promises get broken time and time again and people do change.
We stopped talking two weeks since that incident. I am never the kind of person who would push herself to someone who doesn’t like her or doesn’t like her anymore. I am letting you drift away because I can clearly see from your actions that you no longer want my friendship.
I am not the one who has foregone everything but I am not also the one who would chase someone and drag him home. I don’t let people go that easily however if it’s them who wanted to ran away from me I let them be.
I apologize and I do feel terrible about what happened to us. We cannot repair damaged goods but I do hope we find a way to prevent it from getting completely stale.